"Twinkie, Twinkie,
                    Little suet-filled sponge cake crisco log,
                         Now I know just what you are."
 
                      "Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, or Food?"
 
        In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack
logs to the following experiments:
 
EXPOSURE:
         Twinkie was left on a ... window ledge for four days, during which
time an inch and a half of rain fell.  Many flies were observed crawling across
the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons --
avoided this potential source of sustenance.
        Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
retained its original color and form.  When removed ... the Twinkie was found
to be substantially dehydrated.  Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on
the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained
its adverstised "creaminess."
 
RADIATION:
        A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set
for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon.  After 20
seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of
artificial butter.  After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid
smell of burning rubber.  The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10
seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven ... a
second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment ... this Twinkie leaked
molten white filling ... when cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the
Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of
a butter knife.
 
EXTREME FORCE:
        A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of
approximately 120 feet.  It landed right side up ... then bounced onto its
back.  The expected "splatter" effect was not observed.  Indeed, the only
discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside ...
otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
 
EXTREME COLD:
        A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours.  Upon
removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical
properties had noticeably "slowed" .. the filling was found to be the
approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike
property of not adhering to practically any surface.  It was noticed that the
Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
 
EXTREME HEAT:
        A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes.  While the
Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes"
boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire.  It did, however, produce the same
"burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment.
 
IMMERSION:
        A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water.  The
Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink ... viscous yelow tendrils
ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluable artifical
coloring.  After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially.  Its
coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water
that surrounded it.  The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous
texture.  After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200
percent of its original size ... the water had turned opaque, and a small,
fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
        Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were
abandoned when, under light pressure  ... the Twinkie disintegrated into an
amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
 
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
        ... the Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the
unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring,
should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the
Twinkie as "food."  Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite
conclusions can be drawn.
 
Reprinted from SPY magazine, July 1989.
 
Jokes