Darrell the banjo picker's
Canonical list of Banjo Jokes
(you've been warned)
Approved for All Audiences
Them Banjo Pickers by Mason Williams
How bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
Same damn song for three or four times
Them banjo pickers all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and doe see doe
Them banjo pickers talking bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things
Them banjo pickers them poker faced mugs
They never do smile they just play Scruggs
You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it
preface
Below is the much talked about, Canonical list of Banjo
jokes. Much talked about, but never revealed; until now. This
presentation is the result of the tireless efforts of an
international network of operatives who combed the earth (and
beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make sure that
this time we had the real thing: the definitive list of Banjo
jokes. Some withstood torture--and some paid the ultimate
price: death. So important was our work that we persevered in
spite of the obstacles.
Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of
caution. Banjo jokes are jokes about banjo players, their
music, their instrument, environmentalism, animal rights,
human sacrifice, and interplanetary grave robbing. These
jokes has never been told in their entirety because they are
dangerously funny: no one has ever lived to retell them in
their entirety. we had to taken great precautions to
safeguard our health while compiling this list: each
operative was responsible for a manageably sized module of
the jokes (one not to large as to overcome the individual
with so much mirth that would cause him/her to die laughing.)
As I typed these jokes, I was blindfolded: part of the jokes
were related in various, and obscure languages and dialects,
other parts written, and still other parts transmitted in
braille or Morse code.
Therefore, I caution you to do the following:
1. Under no circumstances should you read any part
of these jokes if you have a heart condition, stroke,
or high blood pressure.
2. Form a team, and take turns reading sections of
these jokes. If you find yourself becoming dizzy, or
beginning to lose consciousness, stopJimmediately.
3. If you have taken recreational drugs within the
last 24 hours these jokes may cause serious health
complications.
4. (3) is also true for certain prescription drugs.
5. Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in
sexual intercourse while reading these jokes.
6. If you have any questions, please consult a
physician before attempting to read these jokes.
Are you sure you want to read these jokes?
Is your will in order and your life insurance paid up? Is it
really worth the risks?
This is your last chance to exit before being exposed to
the Complete list of Banjokes. These jokes will change (or
end) your life. I cannot give you any guarantees as to how
these jokes will affect you; it all depends upon your
physical and psychological state (which I cannot know.)
Once again, are you sure that you are ready to read the
Canonical list of Banjo jokes?
This is you last chance!! I mean it!
Stop now before it's too late!
God help you and may the force be with you....
Editor's Note:
I started collecting banjo jokes in August of 1990 while
preparing for the Julian Banjo, Fiddle, Guitar &
Mandolin Contest. Summertime is the perfect weather for
jamming. The New Expression music store had their annual
camp out to start the summer off and by August, I hit
every bluegrass club meeting in greater San Diego County.
Then one night it happened, I was invited to a jam at a
friend's house so I grabbed my banjo and a fresh strawberry
pie, called another banjo player and invited him to join us
and was off. Well, there were so many banjo players at the
jam that night that the bass player started with the banjo
jokes (some of which sounded a lot like recycled lawyer jokes.)
I tried to forget them and failed so I started writing
them down but my attempts to regain my sanity were in
vain. At least I could practice getting the jokes
right.
At every bluegrass club meeting, Julian, and New
Expression Banjo workshop since I have eagerly
interrogated the other banjo players and bluegrassers for
new jokes.
I asked one band at the pizza place before they went
on and they started telling jokes in between songs but by
then I knew all the answers!
I posted my jokes to the folk music and humor news
groups of the Usenet electronic computer network
which is sent around the world via the National
Science Foundation Internet computer network and got a
reply from banjo pickers in England and Scotland.
These jokes go out to the members of the Slow-Jam and
end up in the North County Bluegrass Club newsletter
which goes out and ends up...this is great I get people
mailing me banjo jokes from all over the place.
I sent a copy of my joke collection to the Bluegrass
Special and the DJ read some on the air for anyone who was
awake on Sunday night at 11:24 pm. It was finals week
and it really made my day to hear my name on the radio.
People have started to recognize me at bluegrass
jams around town as "the guy with all the banjo jokes."
1. Down in the bluegrass crossword puzzle in the June
1991 issue of the San Diego Bluegrass Club newsletter
says "Darrell Reich always has a new one. (two words)"
[nine letters.] 1. Across is "That high lonesome sound."
So here they are: multiple variation of the same joke
are outlined under each question. This is not a
multiple choice test the answer is all of the above.
Fill in the blank and send me your new banjo jokes--every
possible way to get a hold of me is listed at the end of
this document. Thanks. Enjoy!
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw it in and four to
(a.) complain that it's electric.
(b.) lament about how much they miss the old one.
(c.) stand around and watch.
(d.) complain that Earl wouldn't have done it that way.
(e.) argue about what year it was made.
(f.) argue about how much it costs.
(g.) ask what tuning she's using.
Ten
(h) one to do it, and the other nine to stand around and
say, "I could have done it better."
none
(i) No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(a) All of them are too layed back to bother to change it.
(b) Six: One to change it and five to fight off the
banjo players who are hogging the light.
How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a
light bulb?
100: One to change the bulb and 99 to make stupid jokes
about it...
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...
(a.) Chain Saw
- a chain saw has a dynamic range.
- you can turn a chain saw off.
(b.) Harley Davidson Motorcycle
- you can tune a Harley.
(c.) Onion
- no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(d.) Trampoline
- you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
(e.) Uzi
- an uzi only repeats forty times.
(f.) South American Macaw
- one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy
and the other is a bird.
Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin
blindfolded...
you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off
the Empire State Building?
(a.) Who Cares...
(b.) Applause.
What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in
sand?
not enough sand.
What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the
ocean?
a good start.
What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
drool...
How can you tell if the stage is level?
If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
it saves time in the long run.
What will you never say about a banjo player?
that's the banjo player's Porsche.
What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road
and a banjo picker run over on the road?
You see skid marks in front on the skunk.
What's the difference between a run over skunk and a run over
banjo player?
The skunk was on its way to a gig.
How many banjo players does it take to eat an opossum?
two. one to eat it and one to watch for cars.
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
by their names...
What is the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?
a visitor.
What are flaming guitars good for?
(a.) Lighting banjos on fire.
(b.) Kindling.
Why are banjos better than guitars?
they burn longer.
What's the best thing to play on a banjo ?
A flame-thrower
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
Who cares? Neither of them is a banjo.
What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.
How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle?
shine a flash light in his ears...
What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of
musicians?
the banjo player...
You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus,
and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions?
You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments
of your imagination.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old
drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are
mythological creatures.
You can tune a banjo but how can you tune a fish?
by adjusting it's scales...
Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
They make great anchors!
Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
Because they make good paddles.
Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard?
so he could park in the handicap zone.
Why did the banjo player cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
What is the difference between and banjo player and a prune?
Their color of course!
How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of
grapes?
Jump up and down on them...If you get wine, you've got
grapes!
Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?
Because it sounds so bad when they pick on their fiddles.
What is the banjo picker's favorite wine?
Play Foggy Mountain Breakdown...
Why does everyone pick on Banjo players?
Because it's so easy!!!
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender,
"Do you serve banjo players here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator."
The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together
before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which
was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' Saint
Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.
After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, St. Pete
decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief
flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front
lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with
all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where
the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time...) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self,
"If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see
my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on,
the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane
until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone
houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff
his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries
out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo
player-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual
leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look
here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with
spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're
putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma
together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the
first (non-)damned banjo player to make it up here!!"
Subject: Strummin on his ole....
An old man was on his death bed and called his whole
family together so that he could bid them farewell and make
his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to
each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he
called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go,"
he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I
was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they
could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper.
Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen
with Dinah..."
Listener: Can you read music?
Banjo player: not enough to hurt my playing.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He
sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this
particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Fiddle player brain?"
"2 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Mandolin player brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Guitar player brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Banjo player brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is Banjo player brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get
one ounce of brain?"
For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his
brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could
have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family
than a banjo player."
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher
remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have
switched from mice to Banjo players for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that banjo players
are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get
so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a
rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate
our test results to human beings."
A banjo player walked into a bar...Another banjo player
walked into the bar...
You'd think the second banjo player would have seen what
happened to the first banjo player and ducked! [under the bar.]
Arkansas Traveler:
Hello there, say which of these roads do you take to Nashville?
Ya needn't take neither one, they got some there already.
Is that creek fordable?
My neighbour's ducks forded it this morning.
I mean how deep is it?
Water all the way to the bottom.
I saw a horse with a broken leg down the road. Don't you
shoot a horse with a broken leg around here?
No, we shoot him with a shotgun.
You live here all your life?
Not yet.
Say, your wife's dress is mighty short.
It'll be long enough before she gets a new one.
How did your potatoes turn out this year?
They didn't turn out me and my wife had to dig Tem out.
I notice that you have a bad cold--are you doing anything for it?
Coughing.
Why don't you take something for it?
Nobody's fool enough to make me an offer.
Say stranger, your roof needs mending--why don't you mend your
roof?
Can't mend it when it's raining & when it's not raining
it don't leak.
You're not very smart are you?
Well I'm not lost.
There's not much between you and a fool is there?
Just a banjo.
Well let's finish this trip up to Arkansas...
Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players...naaaaaah.
Banjo pickers: we tune because we care...
Banjo players play requests by multiple choice not fill in the
blank.
"You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose
but you can't wipe your banjo on your pants"
"Anyone can play one of them things
All you need is three fingers and a plastic head"
The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a
building you don't really need one.
Banjo players are a lot like sharks
they think they have to keep playing or they will sink...
Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of
obnoxious banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast?
zombiegrass: picture a banjo picker standing straight faced under
a large cowboy hat.
"Banjos are to music as Spam is to food..."
Second verse same as the first
A little bit faster and a little bit worse
Either laugh a little faster or we'll have to tell the jokes a
little slower...
Subject: A Kentuckian Joke
One stormy night, a Kentuckian needed to cross the Ohio River
to visit a very sick (but very rational) relative who had
recently "seen the light" and moved to Ohio. However, upon
reaching the bridge, the Kentuckian was dismayed (or whatever
their emotional equivalent is--maybe I'm assuming to much) to
find that the bridge was washed out. He was ready to return
home, as he could not quite comprehend the concept of
alternate bridges, when he heard an enlightened, commanding
(all right, an Ohioan) voice calling to him from across the
river, "Have no fear, my friend. Here, I offer you safe
passage on this mighty beam of light!". The Kentuckian saw
that the Ohioan wielded (well, he probably would have thought
"holded") a very large flashlight that cut through the river
fog and provided a clear path from bank to bank.
However, this son of Daniel Boone had a little more cranial
capacity than most of his bluegrass brothers that just sit
around and play their banjos all day. He was no match for
these buckeye tricksters. He defiantly retorted (woops, I
meant "hollered"), "No way, man. I seen you tricks before.
I'll git 'bout half way 'cross, an then you'll switch off
that ther flaishlight, an then I'll go down ther into that
cole water. You thunk I wus that stewpud?"
A banjo player goes to his class reunion and meets up with
the smartest kid in his class, "Hi, how are you doing? What
have you been up to?" he says.
"I am doing experimental brain surgery at the Salk
Institute." replies the smart kid.
Then, then our hero sees another classmate of his, who never
was very smart. He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How
are you doing? I've been meaning to ask you, What type of
picks do you use? Heard any good banjo jokes lately..."
Play Bluegrass Lite!
One Third Fewer Notes!
Less Picking!
Sounds Great!
no banjo pickin' allowed around here
Headline: Hubby jailed after...
Wife murdered
with 2 banjos!
Weekly World News July 9, 1991
In what a deputy described as one of the most savage
killings he'd ever seen, an elderly woman was beaten to death
with two banjos.
Quiet retiree Edward Benson has been charged with
aggravated murder in the brutal slaying of his wife of 45 years.
Deputies said Katie Benson, 61, was unconscious and
barely alive when an ambulance arrived at the couple's rural
home near West Milton, Ohio.
"She had been savagely beaten in the face and head with
a banjo until it shattered," said Chief Deputy Charles Price.
"Then the killer picked up a second banjo and finished her off.
"Her face looked as if she had been run over by a truck.
It was the worst I've seen in my 30 years of police work,"
Chief Price said.
Deputies and the ambulance were summoned to the scene by
the victim's 63-year-old husband, who said someone had broken
into their home shortly before dawn and bludgeoned his wife.
"We don't believe there was any burglar a-tall," said
Chief Price. "Something set Benson off and he picked up the
banjos and tuned her out." Benson was booked into the Miami
County jail in Troy on $50,000 cash bond.
Caption: ACCUSED BANJO killer Edward Benson is escorted by
bailiffs to jail.
So does this mean there will be a waiting period to buy a banjo?
Should have given her a banjo to give her a fair chance--dueling
banjos style.
1991 Season and Bag Limits on Banjo Players
1. Any persons with a valid hunting license may harvest
banjo players.
2. Taking of banjo players with traps or deadfalls is
permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of banjo players with a vehicle is prohibited.
If accidentally struck, remove dead banjo player to the
roadside and proceed to the nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest banjo players
from snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "JAM", "BLUEGRASS", or
"FREE PIZZA" for the purpose of trapping banjo players.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 100
meters of Jeep or Ford Dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use drugs, cute girls, $100
bills, or banjo PA system sales to attract banjo players.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 200
meters of acoustic music stores, bluegrass club meetings,
parking lot picking sessions, pizza parlours, or Radio
Shack stores.
9. If a banjo player is appointed to a government position
of senior responsibility, it shall be a felony to hunt,
trap, or possess them.
10. Stuffed or mounted banjo players must have a state
health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and hoof-and-
mouth disease.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as
a reporter, drug dealer, female banjo player, pizza
delivery person, talent scout, girl scout, sheep, illegal
provider of copyrighted music, bookie, or tax accountant
for the purpose of hunting banjo players.
Bag Limits
yellow bellied sidewinder 2
reputable banjo players Extinct
two faced banjo players 1
cut throat 2
back stabbing frailer 1
brown nose picker 1
big mouthed singer 3
tab pirate 2