A commercial traveller was passing through a small town
when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think
it's the one in the coffin."
______________________________
A farmer is about to visit his wife at hospital. He enters (at non-visiting
hours), and is asked to sit down and wait. After half an hour, he began to
be a bit nervous, so he started walking. After another half hour of walking
in the waiting room, he began to explore the corridors. At the end of the
first corridor there was a door. Next to the door was a push button, and a
sign saying "push the button".
"Why should I push the button?", the man thinks, and turns around.
After two or three steps, he thinks "Maybe it's best to do as the sign says",
so he turns around again, and pushes the button.
Five seconds later, the door opens and a man asks "Yes? What can I do for
you?"
- Do for me??? I just pushed the button, the man says pointing at the sign.
- Was there nothing you wanted???
- No. I just pushed the button.
 
The man behind the door shakes his head and closes the door. Our hero, the
farmer, starts his walk back to the waiting room.
After a few minutes he enters the corridor again, and of course finds the
door, button and sign again.
He pushes the button, and out comes the man saying "Yes? What can I do for
you?"
Nothing, sir, I just pushed the button.
- Just pushed the button??? Isn't there anything you want?
- No. I just did as the sign says, the farmer says, pointing at the sign.
The man shakes his head and closes the door and our hero returns to the
waiting room.
 
After another few minutes he enters the corridor again. Again he finds the
door, button and sign. Again he pushes the button and the man pops out saying
"Ye.... You again! What's the matter with you! It seems as fools are growing
on trees where you come from."
- Yes, and here you just push the button, and they pop out, says the man.
______________________________
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
 
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
 
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
 
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
_______________________________

It seems that in this small mid-western town a minister was given gifts
by his congregation.  An elderly woman comes up to him and presents him
with several home-baked pies.  He graciously accepts her gifts and 
heads for home.
 
Later on, he and his friends decide to try these pies only to find that
they are possibly the worst examples of cooking skills yet to be
discovered.  Try as they might, they could not stomach the goods and
finally were forced to dump the entire lot into the garbage.
 
At the next week's service, the minister was greeted by the elderly woman
again who asked, "Sir, did you enjoy my pies?  I made them especially for
you.."  Not wishing to hurt the poor woman's feelings, and yet wishing
to stay to the true course set for him, what could he do?  Finally, 
inspiration hits upon him.
 
"Madam, as God is my witness, I can truly say that no pie like yours lasts
 long around our house."
______________________________

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.  "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die
so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied.  "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't 
never going to stand in line again!"