EPITAPHS
 
Here lies a man who met his fate,
Because he put on too much weight.
To over-eating he was prone,
But now he's gained his final stone.
 
       *         *         *
 
Here lies a chump who got no gain,
From jumping on a moving train.
Banana skins on platform seven,
Ensured his terminus was heaven.
 
       *         *         *
 
This golfer here would swing his clubs,
Till time at last took toll.
Now in this grave below this stone,
He's reached his final hole.
 
       *         *         *
 
Here rests the body of our M.P.,
Who promised things for you and me.
His words his deeds did not fulfil,
And although he's dead, he's lying still.
 
       *         *         *
 
Here lies a boy who played the fool,
When coming home one day from school.
He quite forgot his Highway Code,
What happened next he never knowed.
 
       *         *         *
 
Here lies a boy who was a glutton,
And now he's dead, as dead as mutton.
To self-indulgence all he gave,
And with his teeth he dug his grave.
 
       *         *         *
 
Old Tom is gone (too soon, alas!)
He tried to trace escaping gas.
With lighted match he braved the fates
Which blew him to the Pearly Gates.
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CANNIBAL MOTHER (to teenage daughter): If your poppa could see
you now, he'd turn in his gravy.
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A man needed extensive plastic surgery.  The only way the
doctors could repair the damage was to graft on a piece of skin
from his bottom.  Asked how he felt, he said "Fine, except for
one thing - when I get tired my face wants to sit down."
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PATIENT : My hair keeps falling out.  Can you suggest anything
          to keep it in?
DOCTOR : How about a carrier bag?
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NEWS HEADLINES:
 
Under the new pay award, barbers are to get more fringe
benefits.
 
       *         *         *
 
Speaking about the droppings of pigeons in the town of
Clumpthorpe, the mayor said : "We must not try and dodge the
issue."
 
       *         *         *
 
Eleven tons of human hair was stolen from a factory in West
Fliptown this morning.  Police are combing the area.
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The young boy was born severely handicapped: he was just a head. On his 
fifteenth birthday, his mother presented him with a gift, which he announced
he didn't want.
 
"Oh come on, don't you at least want to open it?"
 
"Why bother??" he answered. "It's probably just another hat." 
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A guy in Ancient Athens tore his toga on his way to the Acropolis one 
day.  He goes into a tailor and plops them down on the counter.
 
The tailor asks him, "Euripedies?"
 
He Replies, "Yeah, Eumenidies?"
 
Jokes