A old man who is very hard-of-hearing goes to the doctor for a check-up.  His
wife goes with him.
 
Doctor:  I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.
Man:     Excuse me?
Doctor:  I said I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.
Man:     Excuse me?
Wife:    He said he wants your underwear.
________________________________
 A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing the
old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks
up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going
around.
 Teen: Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these 
diseases when you were young did they?
Grandpa: Nope.
Teen: Well what did you guys use for safe sex?
Grandpa: A wedding ring.
________________________________
The mathematician was to pick up his friend, the computer scientist, at the
airport.  Unfortunately, he was running late, and when he got to the airport,
the computer scientist had already claimed some of his bags.  They exchanged
greetings, and then the mathematician said:
 
      M:  Are you still waiting for some luggage?
      CS: Yes, one more.  I brought three.
      M:  But you already have three bags with you.
      CS: No I don't, I only have two!
      M:  I can see that you have three!
      CS: Just count them!  Zero, one, two.
_____________________________
  
A fisherman was in the swamp one cold day, looking for frogs 
to use as bait.  Finally spotting one, he reached for it only to 
have a large snake strike just ahead of him.  Outraged, he 
grabbed the snake and forced it to disgorge the frog.  The snake 
looked so forlorn that he whipped out his hip flask and 
poured an ounce or two of booze down the snake's throat. 
The snake slithered away into the weeds.  
 
A little while later the fisherman felt something on his 
boot.  It was the snake carrying another frog!
_____________________________


This guy walks into a very high-class delicatessen and 
orders a birthday cake:
 
"I want it to be round, exactly 7 inches in diameter,
and 4 inches high. It should have chocolate frosting
on the side, and  white frosting on the top. I want
you to write  on the top "Happy Birthday Harry."
In addition, I want it decorated by 14 cherries spread
on top at the outer perimeter."
 
"No problem, sir, we shall have it ready for you tomorrow."
 
The next day, he walks in, and the deli salesman proudly
shows him the cake. "How does it look, sir?" 
 
"Well," he answers, "You have the letters all written in
capitals, and I'm not too happy with that. Only the first
letter of each word should be a capital letter."
 
The salesman says, "No problem, sir. We pride ourselves on
absolute customer satisfaction. It will be ready tomorrow."
 
The next day he walks in and the salesman shows him the
cake. "Oh, no," the customer cries, "I said chocolate
frosting on the side and white frosting on top; you've got
it the other way round." 
 
The salesman apologizes profusely for this error and promises
to have it ready exactly as ordered by tomorrow. The next day,
the customer walks in, and this time he finds that the cake
has 16 cherries instead of 14. The salesman apologizes abjectly
again, and promises: tomorrow.
 
The next day, the customer walks in, and the salesman presents
him with the cake. "I'm sure it is all right now, sir. Our
manager personally inspected it." The customer examines it 
carefully. He takes out a ruler, measures the diameter and the
height, and says, "Yes, it's perfect. Exactly what I wanted."
 
The salesman says, "We are proud of our aim for perfection, sir.
Let me put it in a box for you." The customer replies, "Oh, don't
bother; I'll eat here."