Two Texans stand on a bridge pissing into the water.
 
Tex: Boy this water shore is cold!
 
Waco: Yep, and it's deep too!
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A man who was really drunk calls his wife for a ride home
from the bar.  
wife: "Where are you?"
The man steps out of the phone booth and looks at the corner
where he is calling from, goes back and picks up the phone and says:
"At the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK."
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Once there was a man who went all through college and decided he didn't
like it, so he dropped out to become a trolley car conductor...He loved
the trolley cars...he had loved them since he had been a child in San
Francisco...every day he would watch the trolley cars go up the hill and
down the hill; up the hill and down the hill...and he loved to watch
them...except when old people got on the trolley cars, because they used
to complain about the littlest (sic) things...as the man grew older he 
developed a hatred of old people, while retaining his love of trolley 
cars.
 
So it was no surprise that the man, upon dropping out of school, decided
to become a trolley car conductor...he spent his days going up the hill
and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill, ringing the trolley car
bell as he went...UNTIL...one day an old lady got on the trolley car and
demanded change for the money she had put in the vend-o-matic, even though
there was a sign clearly posting that the conductor did not make change...
the conductor refused to make change for her, and this infuriated the old
lady...at this point she began screaming at him and making such a scene
that he lost control and threw her out on the trolley car tracks and ran 
over her...needless to say, he was arrested, tried, and found guilty...
 
He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, and when the warden came to
ask him what he wanted for his last meal, he responded "a dozen bananas".
The warden was a bit surprised at the request, but honored it and the man
promptly smashed up the bananas and smeared the juice all over his body...
He was then taken to the electric chair and strapped in...ZAP...the
executioner threw the switch, but the man lived...the executioner checked
all the connections and threw the switch again...the man still lived...
the executioner tried a third time, but the man still lived...now at this
time, the law stated that if you didn't die by the third time, it was an
act of God that you were still alive and you were released, so the man went
free...
 
He returned to his job at the trolley car...(go through the deaths of two
more old people and trials and bananas smashed on bodies and three tries
and man going free from electric chair)...after the man was set free for
the third time, the warden approached him..."Three times you've been
sentenced to die in the electric chair and three times, you've gone free...
tell me why...is it the banana juice that you smear all over your body
before going to the chair??"
 
The man thought for a moment, and then slowly replied, "No, I don't think
it's the bananas...I guess I'm just a bad conductor..."

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Judge: Haven't I seen you before?
Man: Yes, your honor, I taught your daughter how to play the piano.
Judge: Thirty Years!
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"My Uncle is in Leavenworth because he made big money."
"How much?"
"About a third of an inch too big."
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Officer: Are you happy now that you are in the Army?
Soldier: Yes sir!
Officer: What were you before you got into the Army?
Soldier: Much happier!
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The seven ages of a woman are:
      Baby, child, girl, young woman, young woman, young
      woman, and poised social leader!
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A man is driving along a country road and his car breaks down.
He gets out, opens the hood and looks in confusion at the engine.
 
About this time a horse wanders up to a near-by fence, leans over and
peaks under the hood.  The horse looks up at the man and says
"It's the carburetor."
 
The man does a quick double-take and replies, 
"What did you say?"
 
"I said it's your carburetor."
 
So the man turns and runs away.  
Soon he comes upon a farmer and flags him down.
 
"My car broke down back there and when I opened the hood this horse comes
over and starts TALKING to me!"
 
"What he say?" the farmer replies calmly.
 
"He said it was my carburetor!"
 
So the farmer says, "Don't pay any attention to him, he doesn't know 
anything about carburetors."
Jokes