"When I was small, I used to pray to God for a bike.
But then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."
_____________________________
 
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.  This captain was very 
successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the 
world.  Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him.  He was 
admired by his crew and fellow captains.  
 
However, there was one thing different about this captain.  Every morning 
he went through a strange ritual.  He would lock himself in his captain's 
quarters and open a small safe.  In the safe was an envelope with a piece 
of paper inside.  He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it 
back up.  After, he would go about his daily duties.  
 
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.  Was it a 
treasure map?  Was it  a letter from a long lost love?  Everyone speculated 
the contents of the strange envelope.  
 
One day the captain died at sea.  After laying the captain's body to rest, 
the first  mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.  He opened 
the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...  
 
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.  Four words 
were on the paper, two on two lines: 
 
``Port Left"
" Starboard Right'' 
______________________________

The Eighteen Bottles
 
    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew
the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from
the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the
cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank.  I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so
feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
longer I get.
                                      Author unknown