I recently called an old friend who lives in Texas.  A few minutes after we 
started talking, he said "Excuse me for a minute".  Then I could hear him 
yelling in the background 
   "Green side up !". 
A few minutes later, he excused himself again and I could hear him yelling 
   "Green side up !". 
I asked him what was going on and he said 
   "Oh, I hired some Aggies to put down sod in my front yard." 
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A father is in the delivery room when his child is born. But, the baby comes 
out with no arms or legs - just a body and head.  Well, the father vows  
to raise the child just like any other, because he loved him.  He taught  
the kid how to talk and get around with his disability.  He did every  
thing with the boy.  He would drive him to school, and prop him up to 
watch tv etc.  Well the kid turned out to be a perfectly functioning 
person - besides the lack of arms or legs.  So, on his 21st birthday, Dad 
wishes to celebrate the occasion that his son has made it to be a man.  He 
carries him down to the local pub and sets his son on the bar stool, and   
orders  beer for them both.  Pop drinks his, then tilts jr's head back, 
opens his mouth and pours a beer down him. SUDDENLY, the kid sprouts an  
arm! Well the excited father quickly orders another, and pours it down his 
throat - Out pops another arm!  A MIRACLE the father thinks!  He  keeps   
it up until the kid has all his arms and legs! 
Overwhelmed, the dad order the whole house a drink, and buys another for 
his son, who slams the beer, then sets his glass on the counter and keels 
over DEAD! The father is aghast, and looks at the bartender who says:    
"He should've quit while he was still ahead" 
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Two bums were seated on a park bench stealing food from the pigeons. 
"Say," said one. "If you suddenly found a million bucks would you lend me 
 one hundred?" 
"That depends," said the second. "What security you got?" 
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      In Paris for the funeral of French president Georges Pompidou in 
1974, Nixon remarked, "This is a great day for France." 
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        Shortly after John F. Kennedy blocked the hike in steel prices 
in 1961, he was visited by a businessman who expressed wariness about 
the national economy.  "Things look great," said JFK.  "Why, if I wasn't 
president, I'd be buying stocks myself." 
      "If you weren't president," said the businessman, "so would I." 
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        After James Whistler did a pencil sketch of Oscar Wilde, Wilde 
characterized it as a "pretty poor work of art." 
      "I quite agree," said Whistler, "and you're a pretty poor work 
of nature." 
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      Following the death of a United States Senator who was a close 
friend, Woodrow Wilson received a telephone call from an ambitious 
politician who said that he wanted to take the Senator's place.  Wilson, 
shocked by the man's crassness, replied, "That's perfectly agreeable 
with me, but you'll have to speak with the undertaker about it."