Many years ago, my father borrowed my car for a trip to Denver.
   He returned, sheepishly explaining that while it was parked in 
   a public lot, someone had smashed out the back window with a
   2x4 and stolen everything in the back seat...

   You guessed it - the thieves got two boxes of trash and a dead
   battery.  And I got a perfectly good 2x4.
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An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that
he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said
what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death
he called for all to gather together.

"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go", he said. They all drew
closer. "It was me, cough, wheeze, "I was the one.", he said as they leaned
down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper.
Gasp, cough, "I was the one", cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah."
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During the reign of Alexander the Great, a special dye was discovered 
which, when put on a piece of cloth, would change its shade depending on
the intensity of the sun.  This enabled the people to tell the time of day.
One of these dye-soaked materials was presented to the king.  He wore it 
proudly, tied around his head.  And that is origin of Alexander's ragtime
band.
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The famous Oriental detective Charlie Chan was wounded by an opponent.  
Hurriedly bandaged, he was rushed to a hospital.  While waiting in the 
emergency ward, he peered under the bandage and was heard to mutter, "Ah 
so!  The clot thickens!"
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The king's foot was becoming sore from booting the complaining pleasants 
out of the throne room.  The royal carpenter finally came to the king's 
rescue when he gave him a two-by-four.
  "What's that?" the king asked.
  "This, Your Majesty," explained the carpenter, "is the world's first serf 
board!"
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The cannibal chief returned from a walk and discovered that his men had 
captured a member of the British royalty.  The cook was preparing their 
guest for dinner.
  "Why is that fruit stuck in his mouth?" the chief demanded.
  "Because, sir," replied the tribal chef proudly, "tonight I am serving 
duke a l'orange!"
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When mites from the pigeon pen infested the backyard grass, it was little 
comfort to reflect that the pen was mite-ier than the sward.
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A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he 
made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term 
shortened.  However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence 
with a proposition.
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     A Jew immigrating from Russia was very nervous.  He had escaped the 
Czar's draft, often a death sentence itself, and was afraid that of he gave
his name, he might be sent back back  But what to say?  So he finally stmmered
out "ich hub schoen forgessen" (I have forgotten).  So the Immigration officer
listed him as "Sean Ferguson"!
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     An tailor from Galicia (Austrian-annexed Poland, from which my 
great-grandparents came) arrived at immigration and gave his name as "Yankel" 
since he never used his very Polish last name anyway.  After some 
back-and-forth with the immigration, he said loudly and slowly "YAN- KELL-LE" 
and ended up with the name "John Kelly".
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At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside Norfolk, Va., that was so 
close to the beach the porpoises used to swim into shore at dinnertime.
The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling, "Chow time!  For all in 
tents  and porpoises!"
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A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt.  He 
escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian 
Ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates.  Not 
finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left, and was 
immediately recaptured.
  The moral:  WARNING _ The searchin' general has determined that smoking 
ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.
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Walking down the street I came upon a store front with a sign reading
Ole Olsen's Chinese Laundry.  Curious, I entered.  I asked the old Chinese man
behind the counter who Ole Olson was.  He said that he was Ole Olsen.  He then
proceeded to tell me the story how he became Ole Olsen.

When he came to this country in the old days, he was in a very long line at
the department of immigration.  He finally got near the front of the line
and heard the immigration officer ask the fellow in front of him, "Name?"
Ole Olsen, came the reply.  Next was his turn.  "Name?"  So he told him his
name, "Sam Ting."  Ever since then he has been known as Ole Olsen.