And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the ark which I have commanded
thee to build?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Verily, I have had three carpenters off
ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down _ yea, even though the wood
hath been on order for nigh upon twelve months. What can I do, Lord?"
And the Lord said unto Noah: "I want that ark finished after seven days
and seven nights."
And Noah said: "It will be so."
And it was *not* so. And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seemeth to be
the trouble this time?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Mine subcontractors hath gone bankrupt.
The pitch which thou commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath not
arrived. Shem, my son who helpeth me, hath formed a rock group with his
brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord I am undone. Bring on the rains."
And the Lord grew very angry and said: "And what about the animals, the
male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their
seed alive upon the face of the earth?"
And Noah said: "They hath been delivered unto the wrong address but
should arrive on Friday."
And the Lord said: "How about the unicorns and the fowls of the air by
sevens?"
And Noah wrung his hands, saying: "Lord, unicorns are a discontinued
line; thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of the air are
sold only in half-dozen lots. Lord, thou knowest how it is."
And the Lord in his wisdom spoke: "Noah, my son, what about the
insurance, in case thou should run this ark aground atop Mt. Ararat?"
And Noah was downcast, saying: "My independent insurance agent telleth me
there doth exist a market crunch. Companies liketh not writing insurance for
an ark. They fear it will be used for water skiing. They doubt my wisdom as
captain. Only one company hath said it would insure this vessel and it would
charge seventy times seven pieces of silver, with a 250-pound sacrificial lamb
deductible.
"Verily, the tribute is higher than heaven and yet we cannot get delivery
of the policy for nigh upon three months, for the company hath changed to an
abacus and the beads are stuck fast."
Having spoken thus, Noah wept.
And the Lord went forth and did likewise.
__________________________________-
The following appears in a Southwest Airlines newspaper ad in the 12/28/90
Arizona Republic. It is repeated three times in fine print in a box
labeled "Other Airlines' Restrictions." The box has a big messy X through it,
so it is a good thing that they repeated it three times or I never could
have transcribed it in its entirety...
"*Seat availability is limited and seats may not be available on all flights.
Travel for qualifying trips must occur between 2/12/91 and 2/13/91. Fares are
one-way requiring a round-trip purchase 21 days in advance or 28 days in
advance during leap years. Minimum stay of 4 days is required, except for
Tuesday departures which require a 7 day minimum stay. Fares are
non-refundable and may not be available when you call. Passenger must be a
Sagittarius, unless the moon is in Jupiter. Fares may be higher for travel on
peak days, summer solstice, and employee birthdays. **Travel must commence by
5/3/91 for frequent flyer members and between enrollment date and 5/6/91 for
new members. A Saturday night stay is required, but if originating on a
Saturday, only a Wednesday morning stay is required. Tickets may be used only
when accompanied by a lawyer. Phoenix-to-Los Angeles route may include
unannounced stops in Atlanta or Madrid. Fares do not include "nonpertainable
aviation compensation fees," which may be extra. ***Sale tickets prohibit the
use of restrooms during flights. Fares are subject to random adjustments on
five minutes notice. Seat availability is limited and some passengers may be
required to stand. Travel is valid in the Continental U.S. only and the
Central Time Zone only on alternate Sundays. Reservations are required. No
jeans, T-shirts, sandals, shorts, striped or polka-dotted clothing may be worn
by passengers holding sale tickets. +This offer not valid in conjunction with
any discount coupon, voucher, certificate or promotional offer by any airline,
video rental outlet or supermarket. Tickets may be given to family members
except second cousins and relatives who never call or write but visit every
year at Christmas time. Identification and/or character witnesses may be
required. ++Terms and conditions are subject to change without notice.
Stopovers not allowed. Not valid for travel during months ending in "R." This
offer void were prohibited by law, where people just don't like it, or
wherever you happen to live. For a complete list of new and amended
regulations associated with this offer, keep watching this space in your daily
newspaper."
_______________________________-
Author: Peter Shipley
Pros and Cons of dating a vampire
Pro Con
Long relationships Spend your time in a hypnotic daze
Allowed to stay out late Parents can be hell
Easy weight loss You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Centuries of experience Oral sex can be lethal
Immune to all venereal diseases Always has cold feet (and blood)
Always has amazing stamina Never able to spend the day in bed
Loves neck nibbling Pet names that give you chills
Rarely interested in arguing religion Strange friends
Never comes home with garlic breath Giggles at funerals
Don't have to worry about what color Hard to win a argument
clothes to wear. No romantic sunsets
May forget own strength during orgasm
________________________________
I found this warning on a small utility knife in MIT's lab supply:
Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
_________________________________
A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was
dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next
to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes, he asked
the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you got
arthritis be drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and
reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started
to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and
asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had
arthritis.