This is a joke from India where city buses have no doors.
Boy comes home panting. Dad asks for the reason. "Well, I
missed the bus by just a few seconds. I started to run after
it hoping to catch it. And before I knew it, I was home. I
saved the bus fare though." Dad is quite impressed by how
clever his son is. He being not so clever, suggests: "Try
running after a taxi the next time. You'll save even more
money!"
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on Feb. 16th, the Sun, the Moon, and all nine planets were all aligned.
the only noticable effect was that the Nome to Rio bus was 7 hours late.
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COUNTRY AND WESTERN LYRICS
My house burned down in a flash of thunder
My wife ran off with a one-legged plumber
My crops fell dead when the riverbed went dry.
My dog got squashed by a pickup truck
My son ran away, got hooked on drugs.
My daughter knocked up by the class of '85.
People say that life is good
It don't seem good to me.
I'm lost without a paddle
And I'm headed up shit creek.
People say that life is fun
But I don't know why.
As far as I can tell
LIFE SUCKS then you die.
The government dumps its toxic waste
right on top of my mother's grave
a team of experts say
'Won't do her no harm.'
My sheep went crazy, killed my mule.
I cut off my dick with a power tool
Fixin' the hole where the meteor hit the barn.
People say that life is fair
But I can't take no more
I got one foot on a banana peel,
The other in the Twilight Zone.
People say that life is fun
But I don't know why.
As far as I can tell
LIFE SUCKS then you die.
I went to the store to buy some shells
The gun went off, blew the owner to hell.
Now I'm sittin' here in jail, singin this song.
And one guy wants to cut me with a knife.
Another guy wants me to be his wife.
I hope they hang me before somethin' really goes wrong!
People say that life is fun
But I don't know why
As far as I can tell,
LIFE SUCKS,
LIFE SUCKS,
LIFE SUCKS, then you die.
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He's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
He has the I.Q. of room temperature (in degrees Celsius).
He's about as bright as a small appliance bulb.
He's got it floored in neutral.
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Some guy on drugs jumped over a cliff but did not quite succeed in
killing himself. The rescue team tied his unconscious body into a
Stokes litter and proceeded to evacuate by means of a "fixed line
flyaway." This means that the litter is suspended a couple of
hundred feet below a helicopter which then flies to a level place
where they can set him down (carefully) and either load him in the
aircraft or otherwise take further care of him. The patient is
accompanied by one attendant tied into the litter.
This patient began to regain consciousness during the flight.
Remember he is flying across the sky and being marginally conscious
(as well as probably still feeling the effects of whatever drug he
took) probably doesn't notice either the helicopter or the cable
attaching him to it. The attendant, who happens to have a nice
bushy beard, notices that the patient is starting to "come around"
and in an effort to keep him calm says in his most soothing voice:
Don't worry, I'll take care of you. My name is Peter.
The effect was somewhat less soothing than hoped for and the
attendant decided that next time he would use a name other than
Peter.
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From the National Family Opinion newsletter, a survey company:
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the
middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles;
the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each
day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep
getting farther away from the paint can."
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One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his
friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.
"Hey," said the demon, "how'd you like to make this one a hole in one?"
"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.
"It shortens your sex life by five years." replied the demon.
"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a
hole in one, just as ordered.
On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it
two holes-in-one simultaneously?" said the demon. "It's only been done five
times in the history of golf."
"What's the payback this time?" said the man.
"Shortens your sex life by another twenty years." said the demon.
"I guess," agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends
were amazed and people were coming from miles to see him play . . . two holes-
in-one in the same game!
On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again.
"Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in
the history of the world! C'mon!"
"No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I gotta give up this time? "
"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of
your life." said the demon.
"Okay!" said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.
And that's how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records!
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A man walks up to a New Zealand sheep farmer and says "If I can tell
you exactly how many sheep you have down there, can I keep one?"
The farmer glances at the vast array of sheep, snickers, and says "sure."
The man looks carefully at the sheep, then says "5,279."
The farmer, startled, says "how did you do that?"
The man says "I'd rather not say. Can I have my animal?"
"I guess so," says the farmer. The man picks up an animal and starts to
walk away.
"Wait!" yells the farmer. "If I can guess where you're from, will you
give me my animal back?"
The man snickers, and says "sure."
"You're from California," says the farmer.
The man, startled, says "how did you do that?"
The farmer says "I'd rather not say. Can I have my dog back?"