If You Are Unhappy

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly
south. In a short ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a
barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and cr*pped on the little sparrow. 
The sparrow thought this was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted
his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a 
large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate
him.

      The moral of the story:

      1. Everyone who sh*ts on you is not necessarily your enemy.

      2. Everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is not necessarily your friend.

      3. And, if you are warm and happy in a pile of sh*t, keep your mouth
         shut.
______________________________________________________________________________
   There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street.  His first
day on the job, he awoke bright and early, went to the garage, got
the bus, and set off on his route.

   At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for
the bus.  She climbed the step and got on, and said,
      "Hi.  My name is Patty."
The driver replied,
      "Hi, Patty.  Please take a seat."

   At the second stop there was a second little girl, even chubbier
than the first.  She got on and said,
      "Good morning!  My name's Patty."
The driver answered,
      "Good morning.  Please sit down."

   At the third stop there was a little boy waiting.  He was dressed
in a white shirt and tie, and a suit with a vest, and he had a
calculator holster on his belt.  He said,
      "Hi.  My name is Ross, and I'm special!"
The driver wasn't impressed, but he managed a smile and said,
      "Please sit down, Ross."

   The fourth stop rewarded the driver with a grubby little boy
with dirty jeans and torn sneakers.  He got on the bus and said,
      "My name is Lester Cheese."
The driver replied,
      "Please take a seat, Lester."

   Well, he's driving along and he looks in his rear-view mirror
and sees that Lester Cheese has taken off his sneakers and is
scratching at his foot.  The driver pulls the bus over to the
side of the rode, stops it, and says,

      "I can't take this any longer!  I've got

      two obese Patties,
          special Ross,
            Lester Cheese picking bunions
                on a Sesame Street bus!
___________________________________________________________________________________
This guy goes through an intersection and the next thing he knows, there are
red and blue lights flashing behind him, so he pulls over.  An officer walks
up beside his car and says, "You know you didn't come to a complete stop
back there, don't you?"  The guy, already in a hurry, becomes really
annoyed.  "I slowed down to one mile an hour.  There was nothing coming so I
went.  What's the big deal?!"  The cop tells him to step out of the car and
he does.  Then, the cop starts hitting him on the head with his billy-bat
and without missing a beat says, "So, do you want me to slow down or stop?"
__________________________________________________________________________
He is calling his wife to see if she passed
the driving test, but she almost starts weeping.
-"Oh, I have such a bad luck !  I thought I'd
have time to pass through the yellow light,
but, so, I ran into a truck."
"So then, you flunked again..."
-"I don't know yet - the teacher is still in coma."
_________________________________________________________
She had just got her driving licence and had stopped
at the traffic lights.
The yellow light went on, and then the green
light went on; but she still wasn't moving.
Naturally, an orchestra of honks is soon heard behind her.
Soon a policeman can't stand it any more and approaches
her.  He bends down and looks through her opened window
saying:
-"I'm sorry, ma'm, but we don't have anything greener."
________________________________________________________
-"How is your wife doing in driving school."
-"Quite good actually; already the streets are
turning when she is."
_______________________________________________
A young Girl asks the man at the garage to increase
the volume of the horn of her car.
-"Yea miss - of course I can do that, but why ?"
-"Well, my brakes have broken."
____________________________________________________
She was telling her friend about an accident
she recently had:
-"First I ran into the sidewalk as I smashed
some motorcycles, and then I hit a tree so
my car turned around and ended up in the
middle of the street.  After that I hit a
truck that, luckily, was slowly moving
in my direction, my car bounced when we
collided and I flew up in a shop window.
And, at that moment I completely lost
control of my car..."

The wife, raging, tells her husband:
-"We have to fire that chauffeur of ours
immediately.  It's the second time that
he, with his stupid way of driving, almost
killed me."
-"Don't be so harsh, my dear.  Give him
another chance."
____________________________________________
-"How did you meet your third husband ?"
-"It was in a car accident."
-"Interesting.  How ?"
-"Well, he ran over my second husband."
_________________________________________________________________
Once there was a man who had always wanted to go on a safari in Africa.  His
financial situation did not allow it, however, until one year when his
business did exceptionally well.  He booked a safari with his travel agent
for a few weeks during the summer.

As part of the preparations for the trip, he bought a book on the fauna of
Africa.  One of the most unusual creatures of which the book spoke was the
so-called "foo" bird.  foo birds were said to have the most exquisite
plumage of all of the birds in Africa.  The book went on to describe a
seemingly bizarre stricture about behavior near foo birds: namely, that if a
foo bird were ever to defecate on you, you must not attempt to clean it
off.  The book declined to explain the reason for this prohibition, but the
man filed it away for future reference anyway.

The first week of his safari was wonderful.  The man saw lions, tigers,
snakes, and other jungle animals he had previously seen only in zoos.  Then,
on the eighth day of his trip, the man spied a bird sitting in a tree with
the most wonderful coloration he had ever seen.  Quickly checking his book,
he realized that this was one of the elusive foo birds.  He carefully crept
closer to the tree to take a picture, but, alas, not carefully enough; he
stepped on a stick, which produced a loud CRACK.  The foo bird immediately
took flight.  The man stepped back, hoping for an airborn shot of the bird,
but was flabbergasted to see that the entire tree had been swarming with a
huge flock of foo birds, all now taking to the air as the first one had
done!  In fact, they were all flying directly over him!  Seconds later, the
unfortunate man was pelted by bird dropping after bird dropping, wave after
wave of avian excrement, as foo bird after foo bird dive bombed him
mercilessly.  Screaming and waving his arms wildly, the man took to his
heels.  The flock of foo birds followed, never letting up the barrage,
continually spattering him with their filth.

The man ran as fast as he could go for several minutes, until he had lost
sight of the rest of his safari.  He was not aware of this fact, though; the
only thought in his mind was to escape this awful, smelly bombardment.  By
now the man was slick with foo bird droppings over every square inch of his
body.  Finally, eyes stinging, he saw that he was approaching a river.
Thinking that relief was close, he redoubled his stride, reached the river,
and dove in, whereupon he was instantly vaporized.

The moral of the story:  If the foo shits, wear it.