Ode to the Chunnel

                                       or

                  Why the English do not want a Channel Tunnel


  There'll be carloads of Louises        There'll be Swedes of charmless
candour

      From Parisian stripteases                 Coming over to philander,

       Importing foul diseases                Spreading left-wing propaganda

              Into Kent.                              About wealth.

There'll be modern French Wells Fargoes     Belgian girls of vast proportions

   Sending juggernauts with cargoes        Who have failed to take precautions

      Of frogslegs and escargots                Driving over for abortions

           And men's scent.                           On the Health.


 There'll be Dutchmen too, by jingo,          There'll be Spanish senoritas

  Who'll refuse to speak the lingo,           Jamming all our parking meters

      Coming over for the bingo                With their miserable pesetas

            And the dogs.                           (I don't know !).

     And through this umbilical,                 And senoras doing sambas

  Seeking knickers from St. Michael,          Shouting "vamos" and "caramba"

   Girls from Rotterdam will cycle             And believing that the amber

           In their clogs.                          Light means "Go".


  There'll be Danes on every corner         There'll be Austrians with poodles

      Faces pink after a sauna,               Wanting membership of Boodles

     trying hard to sell us porno             Then demanding apple strudels

            Graphic books.                           With their tea.

  There'll be men like Julius Caesar          There'll be lecherous Kuwaitis

      Getting in without a visa                Driving lorryloads of Katies

    Careless architects from Pisa            From the Thames to the Euphrates

            Bloody crooks.                                C.O.D.



  There'll be wealthy German campers          There'll be men from Lithuania

     With enormous picnic hampers                From Rumania and Albania

   Full of sauerkraut and champers            From Tasmania and Pennsylvania

            And pork pies.                            I've no doubt.

There'll be Eyeties slick and smarmy,           So, dear immigration panel

     Reared on pizza and salami,           Boys in sports jackets and flannel,

       Turning up at Veeraswamy             Please protect our English Channel

            Without ties.                            Throw them out!.
__________________________________________________________________________________

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting
sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.

Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown
in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.  Tomorrow I would've been
a free man!"
____________________________________________________________________

      A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into
      a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission
      to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you
      do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old
      and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would
      you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

      While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his
      hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the
      farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going
      to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his 
      window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed,
      "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the
      passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got
      the cow!"
_______________________________________________________________________

There was a nun doing charity work in a large metropolitan hospital. 
As she was walking by the nursery, she encountered a man looking through 
the window at a newborn. 

"Is that your child?" said the nun. 

"Why, yes, it is sister. She was born this morning," said the man. 

"Are you Catholic, young man?"

"Yes, sister."

"How many children do you have?"

"This is our twelfth child. We are hoping for more."

"Your *twelfth* child! How magnificent. God has truly blessed you. I shall
remember you in my prayers."

"Thank you sister," said the man. 

Later that same day, the nun encountered another man at the nursery. 

"Is that your child, young man." 

"Yes, sister, it is. I am very proud of her." 

"Are you Catholic, young man?"

"No sister, I am not." 

"How many children do you have?" 

"This is our ninth child." 

The nun was shocked and gasped "Sex maniac!"