You know you are a redneck if: 
                        
*Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take
  the wheels off.
*You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
*There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your home. 
*You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
*Less than half the cars you own run.
*Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling
  the state patrolman to "kiss her ass." 
*The primary color of your car in "bondo."
*Directions to your house include "turn off" the paved road.
*Your wife's hairdo gets ruined by the ceiling fan.
*You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.
*Your mother keeps a spit cup on her ironing board.
*The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "what are
  you looking at shithead?"
*You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
*You've ever been too drunk to fish.
___________________________________________________________
Man staggers into the confessional, panting
Man: "Bless me Father, for I've sinned. I just killed a man!"
Priest: "How many times..."
_______________________________________________________________
      This is the defending champion in a "can you bottom that" love poetry 
contest.  Anyone wanting to challange its status is welcome to try.


                      Love guppy

                 You mean all the world to me.
                 Without you I can't be free.
                 You make me pant considerably.
                 You're my love guppy.

                 You have the finest rosebud's taste.
                 Without you my life is waste,
                 I'll stick to you like Elmer's paste.
                 You're my love guppy.

                 I'd break through a citadel.
                 I'd fight with a raging bull, 
                 Though winning would seem improbable.
                 You're my love guppy.

                 My love's as strong as the mid-ocean ridge.
                 You shine like the rainbow bridge
                 or like that light inside my fridge.
                 You're my love guppy.

                 For you I'd consume haggis,
                 or lose the joys of Bacchus,
                 or live in sin with Mike Dukakis.
                 You're my love guppy.

                 No time's too long for me to wait.
                 For you, I'd fight against Fate,
                 though maybe you could lose some weight,
                 You're my love guppy.

                 Without you, I'd be not whole,
                 I would have to sell my soul,
                 or gulp a quart of Tide-E-Bowl.
                 You're my love guppy.

                 My passion is always mounting.
                 I'm like a geyser founting.
                 Well, maybe not, but who's counting?
                 You're my love guppy.

                 The love that is the more intense
                 always has the most silence,
                 like quiet bursts of flatulence.
                 You're my love guppy.

                 I know that my love is true.
                 I know that you'll love me too,
                 or I'll hold my breath 'till I turn blue
                 You're my love guppy.

                 I'd not forget you if I tried.
                 You make me all warm inside.
                 My love's as pure as Naugahyde.
                 You're my love guppy.

                 Then I hear the words let slip
                 From betwixt impatient lips,
                 "I want to have a relationship.
                 You're my love guppy."

 __________________________________________________________________________________
There was this mother tomato and all these little baby tomatoes, and they were
walking along in a line, the baby tomatoes following their mother. 
At some point, as they walked farther and farther, one of the smaller tomatoes
fell way behind in line.
At this point, the mother tomato walked back to check up on the straggler
tomato, stepped on the tomato, and said catch-up.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Apparently an MIT student once spent an entire summer walking up and down the
Harvard football field, blowing a whistle and throwing birdseed across the
field.  Come fall, the first Harvard-Yale football game, the ref stepped out
onto the field and blew his whistle....

It took them a half-hour to clear the field of the pigeons.

Then he went home and wrote up his biology thesis.
Jokes