A bather whose clothing was strewd
By breezes which left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And unless I'm quite wrong
You expected this line to be lewd
_____________________________________________________________________
The lumberjack's whiskers were a month old and the barber was having a 
rough time with them.  He nicked the man on the lip, then on the chin, and 
finally the nose.  Then he asked, "Have you been in my shop before?" " 
No," was the sad reply.  "I lost  my arm in the saw mill."
__________________________________________________________________________

One day while working in the lab, a scientist discovers that by feeding
baby sea-gulls to a certain breed of porpoise, they will live for ever.
Unfortunately, the only local source for these sea-gulls was at the
state zoo.  On night, while illegally obtaining these gulls,
the scientist comes across a sleeping lion that had escaped during the day
blocking the path.  Very carefully, the scientist stepped over the sleeping
lion.
At that point the scientist was arrested.  What was the charge?


He was charged with "Transporting young gulls across state lions for
immortal porpoises"
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   A scorpion needed to cross a river but scorpions can't swim.  He 
asked a frog to give him a ride across the river on his back.
   "I can't," said the frog, "I'm afraid you'll sting me!"
   "I swear I would never sting anyone who did me such a kindness," 
said the scorpion.  The frog agreed, the scorpion hopped on his back, 
and was ferried across the river.  When they reached the other side, 
the scorpion stung the frog.  The dying frog gasped, "Why did you do 
this after I helped you??"  The scorpion replied, "Sorry, I couldn't 
help it; it's my nature."

A Mideastern scorpion needed to cross a river.  He found a frog and asked 
him for a ride.  The frog replied, "I'm afraid to give you a ride, for 
you'll surely sting me!"  The scorpion swore that he would never sting 
anyone who did him such a kindness.  The frog agreed to carry the 
scorpion across the river.  In midstream, the scorpion stung the frog.  
"You fool!" cried the frog, "Why did you do it?  Now you will die too!"  
The scorpion replied, "Yes, but this is the Mideast."
______________________________________________________________________
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
________________________________________________________________
Greener's Law:
     Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
_________________________________________________
Grelb's Reminder:
     Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
     average drivers.
______________________________________________________________
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
_______________________________________________________________
Hall's Laws of Politics:
     (1)  The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
     (2)  Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
          fixed.
     (3)  Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
          military spending, and conservatives social spending in
          their own districts).
_________________________________________________________________
Hand, n.:
     A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
______________________________________________________________
Hanlon's Razor:
     Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
     stupidity.
_____________________________________________________________
Hanson's Treatment of Time:
     There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
     before Saturday.
__________________________________________________________________
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
            Ogden Nash
__________________________________________________________________
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
            Oscar Levant
____________________________________________________________________
Harris's Lament:
     All the good ones are taken.
_______________________________________________________

Hartley's First Law:
     You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
     on his back, you've got something.
_____________________________________________________________


Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
for play?
_______________________________________________________________________

Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
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A professor was known for being an easy grader.  the grades he gave for a
survey course (i.e. the type where you are expected to learn generalities and
not specifics) were based entirely on two exams, and the stuff on the exams
was entirely covered in the textbook.  so showing up for class wasn't a big
deal.  however, this started to get out of hand.  As word of the course
spread, each term there was a larger block of students who would show up
infrequently or not at all, except for the exam days.  Finally, it got so bad
that about half of the students one term never showed before the midterm. The
say of the midterm everyone came in, and a graduate assistant handed out
exams.  "Prof x. is sick, so he asked me to give you your exams."  

There was only one question in the exam booklets: "which one of the pictures
below is of professor x?"