Mr and Mrs Onion are out in the garden on a sunny day in middle
suburbia.  Mrs Onion is hanging out the laundry whilst Mr Onion is
busy doing the Times crossword (poser!).  Anyway, their son is playing
with his football, kicking it this way, and that, and the birds are
twittering, generally a pretty idilic picture until baby Onion kicks
his ball a little too hard and it rolls out onto the road.  He runs
out to retrieve the errant item and promptly gets knocked down by a
passing lorry.

Later, at the Hospital, a Dr comes over to the very distressed couple
with news of their son.

"Well Mr and Mrs Onion, I have some good news and some bad news"

"What is the good news Doctor?" ask the worried couple,

"Your son suffered serious injuries but I believe that he will
survive"

"Oh thank you Doctor, but what is the bad news?" enquire the Onions,

"I'm afraid he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life!"
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He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
              Oscar Wilde
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"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
           Mark Twain
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He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
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He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
           John Mason Brown, drama critic
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He thought he saw an albatross
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
He looked again and saw it was
A penny postage stamp.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."
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"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..."
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He who Laughs, Lasts.
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"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
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He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
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"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
_________________________________________________________________
HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
______________________________________________________________________
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
_________________________________________________________________
Heaven, n.:
     A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
_____________________________________________
Heavy, adj.:
     Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
____________________________________________
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
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Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
           Milton Friedman
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Heller's Law:
     The first myth of management is that it exists.
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Johnson's Corollary:
     Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
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Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
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when a politician says yes,
he means maybe,
when a politician says maybe,
he means no,
when a politician says no,
he's not a politician.

when a lady says no,
she means maybe,
when a lady says maybe, 
she means yes,
when a lady says yes,
she's not a lady.
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It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he
asked replied "Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at
the Stop n Go."

He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7.  At about 10 miles down he stopped for
directions again.  The man he asked replied "Just go back down this road about
5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go"

He headed out again but still had no luck.  When he got back to where he had
started he stopped again.  When he ask for directions the answer was exactly
the same.  This time Jim asked "Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?"  The
man gave him a funny look and said "It's on a pole. It's got a red light on
the top, a Green light on the bottom...."
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A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy.  Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly
all day.  Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the
fairway.  He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day,
I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."  The caddy looks back
at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
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     Two New Yorkers were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. 
The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. 
Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.  They didn't know what to
do,  when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't
see any cops, let's go for it.!"