I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
Joe Walsh

I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. Lillian Hellman

The salesman got home late in the evening. For not waking his wife up, he takes his clothes off without turning on the light. Just as he is about to get into bed, his wife asks him:
"Will you, please, go to the drug store and get me some aspirin ? I have such a headache, I can't sleep. And, please, don't turn on the light, it'll get worse." So, in the dark, he dresses and goes to the drug store in the neighborhood.
There, he meets one of his friends that says: "Hi, I didn't know you were a postman."

Suspecting that his wife had a lover, but still having to be away for a day and a night, the very clever husband came up with an idea. Under their bed, he placed a saucepan filled with milk, and above it, attached to the bottom of the bed, a wooden spoon.
By his calculations, the weight of his wife shouldn't be enough for making the spoon reach the milk; but if she had company in bed, the spoon would get a white line, and the affair would be revealed.
So, the next day, as soon as he got home, he went to the bedroom and inspected the result of his plan...
The saucepan was filled with butter.

Why are New Zealand-born horses afraid of people?
They've seen what happens to the sheep.

Q: What do you do for a dog with no legs?
A: Take him for a drag.

They were having fun in bed, when the doorbell rang. "It's my husband. Fast, run away, he'll see you." "But where ? I can't run away through the door, I'll meet him." "Then jump out the window. What are you waiting for?"
"But we're on the thirteenth floor."
"So what ? It's not the right moment for being superstitious."

He was going home early in the morning after having been at the pub all night long with his friends. And, of course, he was all sauced, he hardly could stand up for two seconds. Somehow he managed to get to his house, but couldn't find the keys. He wasn't too stupid, so he decided to try getting in through the window. As he almost had gotten in a police officer came by and asked his what he was doing. "B.bbbut, I tell you, s...sir, tt.tthis is my h..home." He grabbed the police officers arm and pulled him into the house.
"See ? T...his is my l...lllivingg rrrroom, this ii.is my carpet...t. That ii...is my bed room, that's my bed and m....my wwwii...ife. And, you see t...the man beside h...her ? T...that's me."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. Skippety skip, it jumps up to the bartender and says,
" Hey, gimme a beer! "
The bartender turns around , looks in amazement at the vocal insect and says,
" Hey, we got a drink named after you!"
"What, KEVIN ?"

[From "Putt's Law and the Successful Technocrat"]

FIRST LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
Change is the status quo.

SECOND LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

THIRD LAW OF INNOVATION MANAGEMENT:
A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

FIRST LAW OF ADVICE:
The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.

SECOND LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
Any decision is better than no decision.

THIRD LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.

FIFTH LAW OF DECISION MAKING:
Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization, but they are MADE by considering the benefits to the decision-makers.

FIRST LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.

SECOND LAW OF COMMUNICATION:
The information conveyed is less important than the impression.

THIRD LAW OF SURVIVAL:
To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

PUTTS-BROOKS LAW:
Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.

PARALLELS TO MURPHY'S LAW:
Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.
Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

Dictionary of useful Research Phrases:

"It has long been known..."
I didn't look up the original references

"A definite trend is evident..."
These data are practically meaningless

"Of great theoretical and practical importance..."
Interesting to me

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions..."
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..." The results of the others didn't make any sense

"Typical results are shown..."
The best results are shown

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report..."
I might get around to this if I'm pushed

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones..."
He was my graduate assistant

"It is believed that..."
I think

"It is generally believed that..."
A couple of other guys think so, too

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon occurs..."
I don't understand it

"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
Wrong

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field..."
This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic

"A careful analysis of obtainable data..."
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer

National Council of Teachers of English doublespeak awards for 1984.

The State Department won 1st prize for replacing the word killing with "unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life." Second prize: George Bush for equating liberals with Nicaraguan leftists.
Third: Casper Weinberger for the remark he made after the American soldiers were removed from Lebanon to ships offshore: "Nothing has changed. We are not leaving Lebanon. The Marines are being deployed two or three miles to the west."

Runners up:

The National Transportation Safety Board for calling airplane crashes "controlled flights into terrain" in its investigation records.
The Pentagon for calling peace, "permanent pre-hostility," calling combat, "violence processing," and for referring to civilian casualties in nuclear war as "collateral damage."
The Pentagon was also cited for calling the October 1983 invasion of Grenada a "predawn vertical insertion."

By Daniel Mintz
San Jose News, 8/22/83, Business Section
All of these were collected by a businessman named John Ehrman, a "computer professional" (whatever that is). Each one was actually said or written ingenuously.

COINING SOME PHRASES

"Things were all up in heaval."
"She had a missed conception."
"To be a leader, you have to develop a spear de corps."

THEIR CLICHES ARE DOWN
"That's just putting gravy on the cake."
"That's the whole kettle of fish in a nutshell."
"I flew it by ear."

SILICON VALLEYESE
"He works for that import-outport bank."
"We want to create an environment automatedly."

THEN THERE ARE WORDSMITHS...
"How should we amateurize the cost of the equipment over its expected lifetime."
"He sees things from an unusual vintige[sic] point."
"Would you like a craft of house wine?"

RUNNING OFF AT THE MOUTH
"I'm not going to get side-tracked onto a tangent."

WHEN TALKING BEARS VEGETABLES
"I can't hear what you're saying because of the noise of the celery I'm chewing in my ears."
"All food must be removed from this refrigerator on Friday for cleaning."

UTTERLY AMAZING
"That needs some thinking about; let me go away and regurgitate for a couple of hours."
"Things are so bad right now that even positions with people in them are vacant.