MAN'S RETIREMENT SCHEDULE 



7:00 am - Wake up and laugh at silent alarm clock, which has been turned
            off the night before.

7:00 to 7:01 - Brisk calisthenics, lying in bed.

7:01 to 9:00 - Go back to sleep.

9:00 to 10:00 - Breakfast:  bourbon, toast, bacon, eggs, coffee

10:00 to 11:00 - Give wife orders of the day and point out her errors
            of the day before.

11:00 to 11:15 - Coffee and bourbon break, spent resting on the sofa

11:15 to 12:15 - Front porch rocking chair session.  make plans on how
            to spend tomorrow in a constructive way.

12:15 to 12:30 - Highball with next-door neighbor.

12:30 to 1:30 - Lunch:  beer, beef sandwich, apple pie, and cheese.

1:30 to 1:35 - Read good book to improve mind.

1:35 to 3:00 - Nap on sofa

3:00 to 3:15 - Coffee and bourbon break 

3:15 to 4:45 - Back porch rocking chair session to get benefit of afternoon
            sun.  Review morning's plans for tomorrow; decide tomorrow
            is a bad day to start any new projects.

4:45 to 5:00 - Inspect vegetable garden; point out to wife areas where she
            should do more hoeing.

5:00 to 8:30 - Cocktail hour.

8:30 to 9:30 - Dinner:  wine, sirloin steak, salad, mashed potatoes and gravy,
      ice cream.

9:30 to 11:59 - Discuss with wife why world is going to pot; lay out her
            schedule for the next day.

11:50 to 12:00 - Write postcard to boss saying how much you miss the old
            gang and how you are champing at the bit to get back.

12:00 to 12:01 - Go to bed with second book of the day to improve mind.

12:01 - Throw book out window and fall asleep.
____________________________________________________________
      A young man is jogging through a park when he sees an old man sitting
on a bench sobbing. Concerned, he stops by the bench. "Is there anything I can
do for you, sir?"

      "Oh," sobs the old man, "everything's wonderful. I just married a 
gorgeous twenty-year old who'll do anything for me, and even my children love
her. We have a beautiful house, a pool..."

      "So what's the matter?" the puzzled young man asks.

      "I can't remember where I live!"
___________________________________
      Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was 
standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just
come up or was about to go down."

      The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was 
sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to
bed or had just woken up!"

      The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's
always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her
face, she asks, "Who's there?"
________________________________________________________
Cumbria,
England.

Dear Sirs,

Last month my wife and I visited your village, and were struck by
a tourist attraction labelled "Ye Olde Wishing Well". We decided
to make use of this facility, so I put in 1p and made a wish; my
wife put in 2p and did similarly.

To my great surprise, my wife did not vanish instantly in a puff
of blue smoke. It is also clear from the way she looked at me,
and said, "Don't you feel at all sick?" that her wish wasn't
granted either.

We naturally assumed that the wishes would therefore take some
time to deliver, and waited the usual 28 days. However nothing
seems to have happened, and I am therefore writing to ask for a
refund, as it is clear that your wishing well is faulty. No doubt
the engineers are already making repairs to it, and if so I must
request that my wish be fulfilled as soon as possible.

It is of course possible that the wishing-well has a minimum
fixed charge, but this was not evident from the sign, and so my
lawyers tell me that you have no case. I await your response.

Yours sincerely,

Herbert J. Globsquirtle
__________________________________________


How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?

When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...
________________________________________________
P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the
phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" offered $10,000 in cash to any
person who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him. 
  Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to
exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed
to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such
a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were
truly cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display. Well, a few days later
a crate marked "live animal" arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found
a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat
inside, along with a note which read:
                 Maine cherries are black.
                 There's a sucker born every minute...
  Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000.