A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk
by carrying his bag.  On a sticker on the bag, in large letters,
was the word "CAUTION."  Leaning closer, my friend read, "To make
the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick."
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Two drunks are stumbling along a railroad track which happens to go up a
mountain.  The first drunk says, "These are the lousiest steps I ever tried
to climb!"  The second, who is bent over, replies, "You think that's bad,
wait till you try to hold the handrail!"
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Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church
elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the
pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once
to the "appreciation" column.  There he read: "The minister extends his thanks
to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was
given."
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As the White Queen pointed out to Alice, "You've  got to go as fast as you
possibly can just to stay in one place; to get anywhere, you got to go faster
than that."
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From Dear Abby Dec 12, 1984:

Dear Readers: If You can use a few good laughs today, try these quotes:

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
-Jackie Mason

"Your manuscript is both good and original. But the part that is good is
not original, and the part that is original is not good."   -Samuel Johnson

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."   -Zsa
Zsa Gabor

"A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car."   -Kenneth
Tynan
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Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:

        NEW
      IMPROVED
      Made the old
      fashioned way
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On a story about the discovery of a 20-million-year-old bear-dog den:

    "Den of Antiquity Uncovered"
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Did you hear about the gallant lady in Peru who saved a pulled a drowning
man from a lake, fell in love and got married before the Inca was dry.
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A publisher was dismayed at the manuscript for Robert Louis Stevenson's "A
Child's Garden of Verses."  He'd contracted for a children's book, of course,
but he was appalled that Stevenson had delivered a volume of poetry.  "It'll
never sell," said the publisher, and informed Stevenson that he was backing
out of the contract.  Stevenson, however, gently reminded him that he had
no leg to stand on.  "After all," said the author, "I never promised you
a prose garden."
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GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'

    WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon
shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications
inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.
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