He saw a friend he didn't like in a restaurant with his "other woman" seated
in the corner  of the restaurant trying to be inconspicuous.  I went to the
headwaiter and told him I wanted to send a cake over to my friend's table
 since he and his "wife" were celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary.

 If you've ever been to a place like Bennigans where the waiters and
 waitresses come singing and banging pots when they deliver a cake to
 your table, you can imagine what happened next.

 Four waiters and three waitresses carrying a cake with a sparkler
 marched over to their table singing "Happy Anniversary, Carole and
 Mark..Happy...Happy..Happy Anniversary."

________________________________________________ 

  The King of Sweden, about 1 year ago, went into a computer store
wanting to buy his son a computer for xmas.  He was going to pay for
it with a credit card, (I don't know what kind of credit card it was)
and the salesman asked him for some ID.  His face being on almost
every 1 Kr. (1 crown) coin in Sweden (his father is on some of the old
ones), he took a coin out of his pocket and put it on the table saying
that that was his ID.  It seems that that was not good enough and he
finally took out his real ID (I guess he was being smart).  But then
when he was walking out of the store with the computer the
anti-shoplifter alarm went off.
____________________________________________________________________
 _______________________________________________________                                                      
This could go in true stories to: A 85 year old who had never been to a doctor
before, as he proudly announced, came to the office for a check-up. He thought
it was about time.  I, the doc, said, "What did you do to life so long and
stay so healthy?" He said, "Well, whatever it was, it wasn't listening to the
likes of you!!"
___________________________________________
Another one: During my residency, we offered a free pap smear clinic. Well, a
nurse brought in her elderly mother to have a pap smear because she had never
had one, or  an internal exam for that matter. She had her kids at home
without benefit of medical attention. She was maybe 80. (The daughter was 60
or so.) Well, the daughter held her hand and talked her through the ordeal of
her first pelvic exam just as a mother might with a teenage girl.  After it
was over, I said something to lighten things up like, "Now that wasn't so bad
was it?" The old lady said, "No, it wasn't, but I have one question to ask
you." I said, "Shoot." She said, "Does your mother know what you do for a
living?"
_____________________________________________________
  Gorbachev is hard at work on his country's budget.  His secretary
knocks on the door.  "Mr. Secretary, the--"
  "Not now, I'm busy!"
  "But..."
  "Nyet!  Come back in two hours."
  Thirty seconds later, she knocks again.  "Mr. Secretary, the
phone... you must answer it."
  "Can't you see I'm working on the budget?!  I must have silence.
Have them call back tomorrow."
  "But Mr. Secretary, it's Mr. Bush on the phone.  He says he has 5
billion dollars for you, and you don't have to pay any of it back!"
  Gorbachev smiles and picks up the phone.  "Hello, Neil..."
______________________________________________________________
A plethora of lispers
An overbearance of brood mares
A mingling of broken vases
A tenet of palindromes
A hotbed of quilts
A veneer of newscasters
A brace of orthodontists
A rash of dermatologists
A chain of lynx
A gaggle of censors (or comedians)
An amalgam of dentists
A cast of orthopedists
A slew of retired hit men
A box of pugilists
A concert of yes men
A flash of paparazzi
A bunch of florists
A sum of adders
A set of hairdressers
A herd of otologists
A lot of:
     salt
     realtors
     parking attendants
     auctioneers
A column of architects
A ring of jewelers
A great deal of used-car salesmen
__________________________________________________________

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy
night.  He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves
so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands.  "Put
your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she.  So he does,
and goes back out to the flat tire.  It's so cold, he has to come back
in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation,
between her legs.  He finally finishes the job and comes back into the
car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"
_____________________________________________________________

Did you hear about the guy who went into the store to buy a deck of condoms?
The woman said,"That will be $5.13, with tax." "TAX!" the guy exclaimed. "I
thought they stayed on by themselves."
______________________________________________________

Elderly man and woman sitting on a bench in Miami.  

     "Hello," says the woman, "I haven't seen you before, 
are you new around here?"
     "Yes, I am."
     "Where are you from?"
     "I just got out of prison."
     "Oh, what where you in for?"
     "I murdered my wife."
     "So", she replied, "you're single..."
_____________________________________________________  
Here's something from News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd.

In December in Green Bay, Wis., Roger L. Compton, thirty-eight, pleaded no 
contest to neglecting his sixteen-month-old child.  The child was left 
alone and disappeared briefly, and Compton said he had planned to report 
the child missing but was waiting for the end of the Packers game on 
television.

The Milwaukee Journal for June 6, 1991 reports that a prostitute was fined
$663, put on probation for two years, and required to do 100 hours of
community service for having sex with an Elkhorn, Wis, man at his apartment.
The man, who comes up for trial on July 16, is ninety-seven years old. Seems
to me that instead of a trial, he should get a length of service award.

_________________________________________
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.

Q:  How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
_____________________________________________________
A:  Two - one to change the lightbulb, and one to sue the original lightbulb
    manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the lightbulb,
    compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedence requiring
    lightbulb manufacturers to state *clearly* that lightbulbs may
    require replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible
    for lost wages or any other consequential damages as allowed by law.
Jokes