Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go
along learning more and more about less and less until they know
practically everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many
things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they
know practically nothing about everything.
Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but
end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant
association with experts and lawyers.
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Early Table Manners
A Christian and philosopher and educator, Erasmus of Rotterdam, the
greatest classical scholar of the northern Humanist of Renaissance,
determined that manners was the best instilled at an early age. Here are some
samples from the three century best seller, On Civility in Children
(c.1530):
"Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything
purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it
nauseate someone."
"To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is
better to use the table cloth or the serviette."
"Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have sat
down. Wolves do that."
"You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been
freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out
your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearl and rubies might have
fallen out of your head."
"If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly and
throw it somewhere."
"Retain the wind by compressing the belly."
"Do not be afraid of vomiting if you must; for it is not vomiting but
holding the vomit in your throat that is foul."
"Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that gives
the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break wind."
A man who has just received a heart, lung and liver transplant said he
had only gone in to visit a friend.
"I hadn't realised it would be taken so literally", he commented, "when
I said I couldn't wait to get a decent mixed grill inside of me."
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The Archaeologist who discovered that the Romans invented toilet paper
said that although toilet paper has existed for 2000 years, it is only
recently that Rupert Murdoch has popularised it.
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German archaeologists have discovered a previously unknown manuscript by
composer Richard Wagner, entitled "The New Biological Low Temperature
Ring Cycle". It is believed to be the earliest known Soap Opera.
Jokes