In one of his humor collections, H. Allen Smith told of an Oklahoma sociologist 
who maintained that the three things a Texan liked the most were:

      1) Being seen in church.

      2) Sexual gratification

      3) Outwitting someone, preferably a close relative, in a business deal.


This opinion was formed without the sociologist ever having visited the larger
state to the south.  After a good deal of work, his colleagues managed to get
him to take a trip south for a few days.  He did Amarillo, Dallas/Ft. Worth,
Houston and San Antone.  On the entire trip, he remained pretty quiet about
the whole thing.

He returned to the (relative) northlands, changed number two to "talking about
sexual gratification" and thereafter described that big cowpasture to the
south as Baja Oklahoma.
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A priest was walking down the street one day and he noticed a little boy
playing around with battery acid.  The priest walked up to the boy and said,
"My son, you should not play with that.  Battery acid is very dangerous!"
The little boy replied, "But it's fun, it does alot of neat things!"  The 
priest told the little boy to play with something more fun, like holy water.
The little boy asked the priest, "What's so great about holy water?"
"My son," the priest said,"I once rubbed holy water on a woman's stomach once
and she passed a baby!"  "Ya think that's so great?" the little boy asked. 
"I once rubbed battery acid on a cat's ass once and he passed a 
motorcycle."
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Memo
To: All Personnel
Fm: Headquarters

  Due to the fact that the two unions involved have been unable to agree upon
  who shall blow the trumpets, the end of the world has been postponed for
  another two weeks.

  GOD                                                        G:pn