"I love you" said Tom, wholeheartedly.

"I'll have another reuben sandwich" Tom said wryly.

"I just spent 3 hours under a bus after it backed over me!" Tom said looking
      tired and feeling exhausted.

"These Martians are undercooked and taste terrible!!!" screamed Tom,
alienating himself again.

"I think I just met the biggest idiot in the world" said Tom looking
dumbfounded.  

"Oh, come now!" Tom ejaculated.
__________________________________________________________
           I never have trouble remembering what class level I am teaching. 
I know as soon as I walk into the lecture hall, and say, "Good morning!"   If
the class is made up of freshmen, they respectfully murmur, "Good morning,
Professor." 
      If they are upperclass, they make a great show of finishing their
coffee, slowly folding their newspapers, and opening their books.  But if I
say, "Good morning!" to grad students, they write it down!
_______________________________________________________
      
     Then there is always          Legalize Pot
     which someone turned into     Legalize Potatoes
     and underneath                Legalize Division by zero
__________________________________________________________

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
   symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a 
   netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin 
   cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired Government program to bring 
   light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
   plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer 
   prize for reporting that the Electric Company hired a lightbulb
   assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw a lightbulb in 
   San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
___________________________________________________________________
"Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.  Everyone
thinks he has enough."

           Descartes, 1637

______________________

Fanatic: Someone who, having lost site of his goal, re-doubles his efforts.

"If you can't get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!"

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

______________________
What it would mean if it already didn't:

concrete - to swindle a resident of Crete
rebuttal - the procedure used to affix new hindquarters
implementation - a sorrowful statement by a very small person
bucket - alternate nomenclature for female deer
horticulture - a `lady of the night' en route to an opera
terrace - To leave hurriedly
armadillo - to provide weapons to a spanish pickle
propagate - to hold open an passage through a fence, as with a stick.
counterpart - subassemblies or pieces of an article of kitchen furniture
modem - what people of a particular ethnic group say when they want a second
        helping of black-eyed peas.
telephony - to identify an imposter
zebra - an item of ladies underwear purchased by Dolly Parton
concourse - a golf course located in a penitentiary
information - how the Blue Angels fly
federation - having given a ration of food to someone
instable - where horses sleep
gruesome - what farmer Brown did to corn last year
graven - a very serious `n'
founder - what the police did to a lost female
pursuant - what aunt sue said
paradox - a brace of physicians
boycott - a bed for a young male person
encrypt - where Egyptian kings are  buried

______________________

    Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.

______________________

    Johnnie was a chemist,
    A chemist he is no more.
    For what he thought was H2O
    Was H2SO4.



(H2SO4 _ sulfuric acid)

______________________


There was a pediatrician, who shall remain nameless, who, though he was a
good doctor, was heartily disliked by all his young patients because in an
effort to entertain them he performed boring magic tricks.  
      
      One day, a sharp kid got an idea for getting rid of the jerk.  As Dr. X
was doing his tricks, the kid said  -If you're such a good magician, let's
see you turn yourself into an apple.-  The doctor complied, and quick as
a wink, the brat took & shoved the apple into a box & taped the lid shut.
 And the children were jubilant because they figured they had him out of their 
way.

      Then someone had a troubling thought.  -How do we know he's still really
in there?- he asked.   -That's easy- said the kid, -Just weigh the box. 
If it weighs less, it means he's escaped.-  So that was what they did.

           A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.