"I've just been run over by a steamroller," Tom said flatly.
"I think National Parks are a good thing", opined Tom.
"I've just got my giro", Tom said dolefully.
"I've just got my girooooooooooooooooooo", Tom repeated morosely.
"I prefer it with the woman facing away", Tom said doggedly.
"That's the last time I'll ever have Bob and Elizabeth over for dinner,"
Tom said Dolefully.
"I just had surgery and the doctor forgot to sew me back up...",
Tom said openly.
Tom decided to hazard a guess: "I'll bet your next shot
lands in the sand trap."
___________________________________________________________
What are the three things you need to know to be a Plumber??
1) Every asshole is a customer.
2) Shit runs down hill.
3) Friday is payday.
____________________________________________________________
What color license plates do Iowans get if they flunk their drivers test?
Blue and White.
Why do the trees in Minnesota lean south?
Because Iowa sucks.
Why do birds fly upside down over Iowa?
Because Iowa isn't worth a crap.
What's the best thing to come out of Iowa?
I-35.
If you find out you only have 2 weeks to live, why should you move to
Iowa?
Because in Iowa 2 weeks will feel like 2 years.
What's the difference between an Iowa girl and a police car?
It takes TWO police cars to block an intersection.
What's the difference between an Iowa man and an inch worm?
Nothing.
What are the first 3 words in the Iowa constitution?
Attention K-Mart shoppers.
What's the difference between VD and a condominium in Iowa?
You can get rid of VD.
Why do University of Nothern Iowa graduates put their diplomas on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zone.
What do women do when a man from Iowa exposes himself?
Squint.
Understand people in Iowa are pretty upset. Seems the lady who had the
formula for ice died.
Why did God create the Midwest?
To keep California 2000 miles away.
____________________________________________________
ques: What goes hith hith?
ans: A lithping thnake!!
What's the definition of endless love?
Ray Charles and Hellen Keller playing tennis.
____________________________________________________
It seems this Scotsman was given a wallet for his birthday; one of these
with a Velcro closure.
He said, "Noo, that's my kinda wallet: it scr-r-reams when you open it!"
___________________________________________________________
The US Supreme Court decided recently that nude dancing in a private club could
constitutionally be banned. Of particular interest was Judge
Scalia's opinion that essentially said that nude dancing could
be banned because it was immoral.)
Ode to a Judge's Fudges
Judge Scalia must think I'm awfully rude
Because beneath my clothes I'm totally nude.
My outer garment's just a screen
To hide my being covertly obscene.
I'm always violating public morality,
My covering vestments are just a formality.
If with X-ray vision you are embued,
Then my apologies for being lewd.
But when I'm in my morning shower,
Must still I fear judicial power ?
For I might sing, or even chance
To move about as in a dance.
While thus engaged in my ablutions
Do I violate the constitution ?
Underneath my garments I'm fully naked,
But Judge Scalia's opinion is just half-baked.
_________________________________________________________
J O B V A C A N C I E S
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PEOPLE WITH LOUD VOICES
urgently needed for work in cinemas. Must
be able to spoil films by revealing the
ending in a loud voice. Apply to:-
Joe King, Bank's Pranks Ltd, Palmbuzzer,
Herts.
CAN YOU THINK UP SILLY WORDS
like 'Coo', 'Bah', 'Erk' and 'Yikes'?
You can? Gasp! Then we have a job for
you on our scriptwriting staff. Wow!
Apply to: The Deano and the Bandy,
C.D.Thompson, Baherkgasp House, Lumme
Street, Yike-cum-Eekly.
ANN EXCLUSIVE
We are looking for some named
"Ann Exclusive" for our reporting
staff. This way we can print "Ann
Exclusive" on each story and get
away with it. Apply to: The Stun,
Fib Street, Wapping, Near London.
_________________________________________________
Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one glanced over at the
other and said, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."
"Why that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."
"Right again. But how did you......"
" And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes," replied the astonished man, "but how on earth did you
know?"
"Well, old Doc Steadman always cut them at a 60-degree angle,"
explained the first man, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
_______________________________________________________________
Learning that he had a rare disease for which the only cure was mother's
milk, Mr. Grayson took out a personal ad to find a nursing woman. Much to
his delight, a woman responded almost immediately. After agreeing on a
price over the phone, he went to her apartment.
As it happened, Mr. Grayson had especially soft lips and an active
tongue. After about five minutes of nursing, the woman was beside herself
with passion. "Is there anything else I can offer you?" she huffed and puffed.
"If it's not too much trouble," answered Mr. Grayson, "do you
happen to have any cookies?"
___________________________________________________________________
Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a
green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.
And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.
On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again
walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And
thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father
was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he
decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.
Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same
offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up
to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father
was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the
balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and
got the boy his balls.
When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him
anything he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up
to his father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father
decided that the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son?
Why do you want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a
secret, Dad!"
And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And
when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything
that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want
10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any
longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son
looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please
don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.
The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he
would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.
And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."
And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf
balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a
secret." And the father kept silent.
Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.
And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if
there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please
get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He
said,"Son, please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son
looked at his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."
And then he died.