Adam and Eve have been around for a while and God decides that it's time
they had some children. He decides that the best way is to gradually get the
two of them romantically involved.
One day he calls Adam aside and tells him to go and embrace Eve. Adam says
"What's embrace mean Lord?" - so God explains the process to Adam.
After a few weeks of embracing God calls Adam over and tells him to go and
kiss Eve. Adam asks "What's kiss Lord?" - so God explains what to do.
After a few weeks of embracing and kissing God decides that the two of them
are ready for the real thing. He calls Adam over and tells him to make love
to Eve. Adam asks "What's make love Lord?" - so God explains the whole
procedure to Adam.
Adam rushes off to make love to Eve but comes back in about one minute and
asks...

"What's a headache Lord?"
_______________________________________________________________
"-I- escaped from prison by -parachute-," said Tom, condescendingly.

______________________________________________________
First let me explain that I'm cursed,
I'm a poet who gets time reversed;
reversed time gets who poet a I'm
cursed I'm that explain me let first.
__________________________________________________

 A man is browsing through an antique shop when he notices a small golden
mouse. He is really impressed with the detail of the thing, so he takes it
up to the cashier to buy it. The cashier says, "Hey, this little mouse comes
with a story. You want to hear it?" The guy is in a bit of a hurry so he says
no and off he drives with the little golden mouse. 

 On his way home, he notices that his car is being chased by a couple of 
little white mice. He isn't too impressed, since mice can't outrun a car,
and he keeps going. After a while he notices that his car is being chased by
about a hundred little white mice. He still isn't impressed so he keeps 
going and after a while he looks behind him to find thousands of little
white mice chasing his car. Eventually he gets caught in traffic on a
bridge over a very deep river. Now there are millions of little white mice
after him and it looks like he's going to get caught, so he heaves the 
little golden statue of the mouse into the river and every last one of the
little white mice follows the little statue over the edge. They all drown.

 Well, now the guy is impressed and he turns his car around and heads back to
the antique dealer. Sure enough the dealer is outside waiting for him. He
pulls up and the dealer says, "Well, I'll bet you want to hear that story
now, huh?" The guy says, "Not really, I was wondering if you had any little
gold lawyers for sale?"
_________________________________________________________________

     AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You lie
a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again.  People think you are stupid.

     LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)

You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.

     LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.

     CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.

     PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.

     SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
people are murdered.

     CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.

     VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.

     TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a liberal.

     ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
nice.
       GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
incest.

       SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.


__________________________________________________________
"I just ate that Eskimo's dog" Tom said in a husky voice.


"I can't believe I ate all those ham hocks" Tom said soulfully.


"Ok, you can untie me now" Tom said securely.


"I've been demoted from corporal" Tom said privately.


"Well I'll be damned" Tom said faithfully.


"I saw that man remove my ballot from the box" Tom said devotedly.


"I just had surgery and the doctor forgot to sew me back up...",
                       Tom said openly.
_________________________________________________________
Well in Scotland they tell Glasgow jokes.

It seems that there was this Terrible food poisoning epidemic in Glasgow,
350 people were hospitalized because of it.  The authorities investigated
and discovered that it all let to a bad tin of Corned Beef.

Where else in Scotland could they get 350 sandwiches from a tin of beef?
Jokes