THE 10 IF'S YOU NEED TO KNOW TO GET ALONG AT WORK  (office)

     1) If it rings, put it on hold.
     2) If it clunks, call the repairman.
     3) If it whistles, ignore it.
     4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
     5) If it's the Boss, look busy.
     6) If it talks, take notes.
     7) If it's handwritten, type it.
     8) if it's typed, copy it.
     9) If it's copied, file it.
    10) If it's friday, FORGET IT!!!
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Coming soon to better supermarkets everywhere.
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Q.    How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A.    The knocking gets slower.
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      At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe
player and a viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what
the fight was about.
      The oboe player says "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my 
big solo when he broke my reed!"
      "Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say
to that?"
      In umbrage the viola player replies "He undid two of my strings but
he won't tell me which ones!"
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What do you say when you are driving along the highway and stop to pick up:

  a hitchhiker with one leg - "Hop in!"
  a hitchhiker with no legs - "Need a lift?"
  a hitchhiker with no arms - "Which way you headed, bub?"

     A man was driving down the highway when he saw a person with three heads,
no arms and one leg standing by the side of the road, and looking like he
wanted a ride.
     So he stopped, gave the hitchhiker a look over and said :
"'ello, 'ello, 'ello. You look 'armless. 'op in!"
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q: What's the definition of a minor second?
a: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
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Guy walks into a shop.
   "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
   "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
   "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
   "This is a travel agents."

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Dahmer's lawyer said he didn't have a leg to stand on.
He said he had a few extras back at the house...

He was the first person ever happy when his lawyer told him
he'd charge an arm and a leg...

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