Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called "Humidity"
so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's
so bad, it's the Humidity."
____________________________________________________________
"Famous 10 Calorie Diet"
Breakfast Lunch Dinner
Monday Weak Tea 1 Bouillon Cube 1 Pigeon Thigh and
in 1/2 Cup of 3 oz. Apricot Nectar
Dilluted Water (Gargle only)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scraped crumbs Donut Hole 2 Jellyfish skins
Tuesday from burnt (without sugar)
Toast & 1 glass of
Dehydrated water
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 Boiled 1/2 Dozen Bee's Knees
Wednesday Mushroom Poppy Seeds Mosquito Knuckles
Sauteed in Vinegar
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shredded Egg Belly Buttons 2 Eyes from
Thursday Shell Skins from 2 Navel Irish Potatoes
Oranges (Dried)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Lobster 1 Guppy Fin Fillet of
Friday Antennae Fried in Butter Soft Shell
and 1 drop of Sherry Crab Claw
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
4 Chopped Broiled JellyFish Verebrae
Saturday Banana Seeds Butterfly Liver in Wine Sauce
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pickled Prime Rib of Baked Shrimp Fins
Sunday Hummingbird Tadpole Tossed Paprika and
Tongue 1 Clover leaf
__________________________________________________________________
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he
had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was
being passed he said "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this,
but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another
parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the
collection, I will reveal his name. Later, as he counted the money he found 2O
five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold
your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."
One of the worst positioning of headlines occurred in the San Jose
Mercury News on the day that former baseball player Dave Dravecky
announced that he would have his arm amputated and the Chicago Bulls
won the NBA title.
Front page - Next to each other:
DRAVECKY TO LOSE ARM THE BULLS PULL IT OFF
_________________________________________________________________
Skydivers often take their parachutes on commercial flights as carry-on
luggage because of their value and poor handling of baggage by the airlines.
This practice has been known to lead to a few misunderstandings:
A jumper had checked in and was headed for his flight with his rig over
his shoulder. At the X-ray machine, the new hire inspector had no idea
what she was looking at and demanded that he open the container for
inspection. Well the jumper argued and supervisors were called and
pilots were contacted, etc. The jumper finally convinced everyone that
he was not a threat and was allowed to board with his parachute.
During this process, an older gentleman at the X-ray machine overheard
the conversation. It turns out the gentleman was seated across the
isle from the jumper on the same flight. The elder fellow turned to
his wife and said "Martha, that fella has a parachute in that backpack"
pointing to the rig as the jumper placed it under the seat.
The ol' lady, disbelieving what she had just been told, turned to the
jumper and said, "Pardon me young man, but is that *really* a parachute?".
The jumper, somewhat miffed at the airline over the whole episode,
turned to the woman and said, "Yes it is, ma'am. Didn't they give you
yours?"
_______________________________________________________
Late one night, a man rushes into the bedroom and wakes up his wife.
"Wake up honey, wake up."
"Huh,...what is it?"she asks, still half asleep.
"Honey I think we got ghosts in the house, ghosts in the bathroom.."
"What the hell are you talking about?" she says, remembering that he had
just come home from a night of drinking.
"Well, as I walked into the bathroom, the light turned on, by itself,
and then as I walked out, it turned off, all by itself..."he explains to his
still disbelieving wife.
She turns to him and says:"You know what this means don't you?"
"Yeah",he says,"it means that we've got ghosts."
"NO DAMMIT," she yells,"it means you just pissed into the refrigerator
again!"
Jokes