Some years ago, there existed a choir. What made this group unusual was that, with the exception of the director, no member had an IQ of more than 50. Being short witted as they were, none of the choir had any concept of money. And so, in order to induce the fine vocal harmonies, the choir members had to be fed. The group eventually attained enough notoriety such that a European tour was scheduled. On this trip, there were many concerts each week, and as a result, the members were fed more food than they had ever eaten. Inevitably, each member gained weight. So much weight was gained, the singers could no longer sing. The director, recognizing the seriousness of the situation, consulted a dietitian. The group was put on an emergency diet whereby the only food to be eaten were apples and the only drink was to be the diet drink, Tab. After some weeks of this regimen, the choir members lost all the weight that they needed to, and were soon singing better than ever before. Unusual though, each member so enjoyed the diet, that they stayed with it, even after the weight was gone. To this day, the choir still eats exclusively apples and drinks exclusively Tab, and they call them, . . . The MORON TAB AND APPLE CHOIR.

A recent survey found that 56% of all surveys were bogus.

A recent statistical study has shown that the average American has one testicle and two breasts.

As Cleopatra said to Marc Antony, "I'm not prone to argue."

How to tell a Businessman from a Businesswoman.
A businessman is aggressive: a businesswoman is pushy.
He's careful about details; she's picky.
He loses his temper because he's so involved in his job; she's bitchy.
He's depressed (or hung over), so everyone tiptoes past his office; she's moody, so it must be her time of the month.
He follows through;she doesn't know when to quit.
He's firm; she's stubborn.
He makes wise judgments; she reveals her prejudices.
He's a man of the world; she's been around.
He isn't afraid to say what he thinks; she's opinionated.
He exercises authority; she's tyrannical.
He's discreet; she's secretive.
He's a stern taskmaster, she's difficult to work for.! The above was loosely adapted from The Executive Woman, a newsletter for women in business.

Then Nicholl, using his own calculations, demonstrated that it was absolutely impossible to give any object at all the velocity of 12,000 yards per second. And, algebra in hand, he maintained that even if such a velocity could be attained, such a heavy projectile could never be lifted beyond the limits of the Earth's atmosphere! It would never reach even an altitude of twenty miles. And furthermore! Even if such a speed could be attained, even if it would suffice, the shell could not withstand the pressure of the gases produced by igniting 1,600,000 pounds of powder. And even if it could resist the pressure, it could not withstand the temperature, it would melt as it left the Columbiad, and a red-hot rain would fall on the heads of the foolish spectators. Barbicane did not even wince at these attacks; he simply got on with his work.
-- Jules Verne, From the Earth to the Moon (1865)

If you love Jesus, work for peace and love. Any fool can honk.

"I couldn't afford an inflatable love doll, so I got a cardboard cutout love doll. But the relationship didn't last. She lacked depth."

Here's the Rodney Dangerfield variation of this theme:
"I was lonely so I started fooling around with an inflatable girl. Now an inflatable man is after me!"

In the beginning was the Plan
  And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
  And the Darkness was on the faces of the Employees
And they spoke unto their Supervisors saying
"It's a Crock of Shit and it Stinketh!"
And the Supervisors went unto their Department Heads and sayeth
"It's a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the Odor thereof."
And the Department Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth
unto them "It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Director and sayeth "It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength."
And the Director went unto the Vice President and sayeth "It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very Strong."
And the Vice President went to the Executive Vice President and
sayeth "It promoteth Growth, and it is very Powerful."
And the Executive Vice President went to the President and sayeth
"This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficiency of the System."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was Good
And the Plan became Policy

Jokes