I have a friend with a car phone and a car answering machine.  The
message is "Hi.  I can't take your call because I'm in now.  Please
leave a message, and I'll get back to you when I'm out."


Two Oregon women and a New York woman go to heaven and meet St. Peter at the
pearly gates. Before they enter heaven they must tell Peter how they died. St.
Peter asks the first Oregon lady what she died of and she replies, "The Big C,
Cancer" and Peter allows her into heaven. Peter then asks the second Oregon
lady how she died and she says "The Big T, Tuberculosis" and she is also
admitted to heaven. Finally Peter comes to the New York lady and asks her how
she died and she replies "The Big V, Venereal Disease". Peter looks confused
and says, "Madam nobody dies of VD these days". The New York lady replies
"They do if they give it to Bubba".


A man goes down to hell and the devil gives him a choice of one of three rooms
for him to spend eternity in. Once, the man decides against a room he may not
go back and change his mind. The first room is a huge ocean of shit with
billions of people standing in it up to their necks. The man is disgusted and
says he would like to go to the next room. The devil reminds him that he may
not return to this room. The next room is a huge ocean of shit with billions
of people standing in it up to their waists. The man is again disgusted and
says the last room has got to be better than the first two. The third room is
filled with people sitting on chairs, drinking coffee and chewing gum with
shit up to their ankles. The man says this looks great and he wants to spend
eternity in this room. He grabs a chair, a cup of coffee and a stick of gum
and sits down, drinking the coffee and enjoying himself. In about fifteen
minutes the devil pokes his head in the door and yells, "Coffee break's over,
back on your heads." 


A man goes to hell and is standing in an ocean of shit up to his neck along
with billions of other lost souls. He turns to a man beside him and says "This
is terrible, what can be worse than this." The man replies "You think this is
bad, just wait until the devil drives by in his motorboat."


A man goes to the Zoo and stops in front of the gorilla cage to play games
with the gorilla inside the cage. The man pats his head and the gorilla pats
its own head. The man scratches his arm and the gorilla scratches its own arm.
Suddenly, a gnat flies in the man's right eye and he rubs his eye. The gorilla
is enraged and breaks out of the cage and beats up the man. In a hospital bed,
the man is confronted by the head of the zoo who demands to know what he did
to infuriate the poor gorilla. The man describes everything he did including
the part about the gnat. The zookeeper says "Holy Shit" and tells the man that
rubbing your right eye means "Fuck You" in gorilla language.
Eventually the man recovers and decides to get back at the gorilla. He buys a
large sausage and takes it and a knife to the zoo. He sticks the sausage down
his pants and goes to the gorilla cage. Standing in front of the cage, the man
pats his head the gorilla pats his own head. The man scratches his arm and the
gorilla scratches his arm. The man then unzips his pants, pulls out the
sausage through the open zipper and cuts off half with the knife. He hands the
knife to the gorilla, who smiles and rubs his right eye.


  
Q:    Do I have to be married to have fax?
A:    Good Lord, no.  People who hardly ever fax their husbands or
      wives will spend most of their working lives faxing complete
      strangers.
 

Q:    My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and
      were only allowed to write memos to each other until they
      were twenty-one.  Is this true?
A:    Yes, but why worry about boring old twits like them?
 

Q:    If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A:    Certainly not.  As far as I can see.
 

Q:    There is a place on our street now, where you can go and pay
      for fax.  Is this legal?
A:    Yes.  Many lonely people have no other outlet for their fax
      drives and must pay a "professional" when their need for fax
      becomes overwhelming.
 

Q:    What are the consequences of indiscriminate fax?
A:    Very high telephone bills.
 




A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 15 year old Chivas Regal scotch.
The bartender doesn't believe the man can tell the difference between scotches
so he pours the man a glass of 5 year old Jack Daniels. The man drinks the 
scotch and says "This isn't Chivas Regal; it's 5 year old Jack Daniels." The 
bartender pours him another glass, but this time 10 year old Cutty Sark
scotch. Again, after tasting the scotch the man says "This is 10 year old
Cutty Sark." The bartender gives up and pours the man what he wants. The man
drinks the scotch and says "Ah yes 15 year old Chivas Regal". A drunk has been
at the end of the bar watching the whole show and finally passes a glass of
golden liquid down to the man and says "Taste this". The man takes a sip and
spits it out saying "That tastes like piss". The drunk says "You're right, now
tell me how old I am."