Two, older Scotch gentlemen, McPherson and McBlarney had been friends forever. During the wake of another friend, the two Scotts made a pact, that whoever died first, the surviving member of their twosome would pour a bottle of the best Scotch whiskey that they could buy, over the grave of the deceased. Within a few years the fateful day arrives and McPherson passes away and after the wake, funeral, and burial, a heart broken McBlarney arrives at his grave, bottle in hand. With tears rolling down his cheeks, McBlarney looks heaven bound and says "McPherson, I know we said that when the other one dies we would pour a bottle of the best Scotch whiskey over their grave, but do you mind if a put it through my kidneys first".

You're so ugly you could scare a pitbull out of a meat locker!

"Honey, there's a salesman at the door with a mustache!" "Tell him I've already got one."

"Hey Groucho, the garbageman is at the door." "Tell him I don't want any."

J. Patterson of Ottawa has just been sentenced to 6 years in prison for holding up a trust company. Mr Patterson was captured after a high speed chase which ended when the car in which he was riding collided with a grave stone in a cemetary. Police found Mr Patterson and the loot in the trunk of the car. Mr Patterson stole $6000 from the trust company. The police confiscated the gun he used in the robbery. They discovered that it was an antique Colt 45. It is to be auctioned with a reserve bid of $100,000.

A man dies and goes to heaven. He is being guided around heaven by St. Peter who explains to the man that heaven is a series of huge rooms, with all the people of a certain religion, all staying in the same room. As they pass a door to one of these rooms, St. Peter explains "In this room are all the Protestants". They pass another and Peter says "And in this room are all of the Catholics". This goes on a while until they reach the last door, where Peter puts his finger to his mouth and says "Shhhhh. Be very, very quiet when you walk by this last door; All of the Baptists are in there, and they think they're the only ones up here."

One morning in Sunday school the teacher asks little Johnny where God lives. "In the bathroom," Johnny replied. "Why do you think God lives in the bathroom?" she asked, with a puzzled look on her face. "Well, every morning I see my dad standing in front of the bathroom door yelling: 'MY GOD, are you still in there?!'"

Jokes