Keats would have looked smashing in a deer stalker, really, but
the blasted thing drooped so much from his teeny brow and across his
narrow shoulder blades that it looked more like a horse blanket
than a hat. So when he and Chapman were called upon in the
90's ( the 1890's -- one hates to explain these things) to follow
up on Sherlock Holmes more intractable cases, he was forced to do
it bare headed.
 
   However, that is completely irrelevant to the case at hand, for
after Holmes plunged from the Reichenbach Falls, dragging his adversary
with him, Keats was handed the sorry responsibility of identifying his
remains for the local coroner. Chapman turned first white, then
green, and finally blue as the pair waded dolefully through
the icy waters below the falls with gill nets to assemble enough
corpus delicti to form a quorum. In the miasma, Chapman became as weak-kneed
as a pup, and took refuge behind a scented hanky more and more often as the
day wore on. Finally, as the temperature soared, so did Chapman, who
began speaking coarsely, in an odd, drunken voice, making rude medical
student japes as various identifiable body parts were set in place upon
the rocks. Keats, though usually fond of a jest, had tired of similar
jokes during his own medical student days, and remained keen on the
hunt.
 
    Finally, as the first melancholy signs of evening drew across the
ravine an exhausted Chapman lifted up the winding sheet and tearfully
remarked, "That's Holmes all over..." his face turning first sad and
then by degrees more and more wild as though inebriated by his own joke.
"Holmes all over, Keatsie baby...get it...ALL OVER! Hmmm?"
 
   "But, my dear Chapman, as the poet saith 'Non omnis Moriar--'
 
   Odd, but Chapman never let him finish.
______________________________________________________________________
 
The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey 
just laid off 3 judges. 
_____________________________________________________________________
A boy gets a pet turtle for his birthday and after having it for only a day
he tells his mom, "Hey, this turtle got blisters on his feet." So mom takes
the boy and the turtle to the pet store and demands a new turtle. The pet shop
owner obliges without hesitation and they go home happy. Next day the boy is
annoyed again "Hey, mom this turtle got blisters on his feet too!" Back to
the pet store they go and the pet store owner again gives them a new turtle
all the while professing that he had no idea there was anything wrong with
the previous two little animals. The mom is getting angry because of all this
trafficking to and from the pet store so she says they will inspect the new
turtle carefully before returning home this time. The boy says "Should I test
him out right here in the store mom?" Both the mother and store owner agree
that, yes, he should first check it out thoroughly. So he picks up the new
turtle between his thumb and fingers, turns it over to examine its feet,
then gets down on his hands and knees taking the turtle to the floor and goes
vrooommmm, vrooommmm, vrooommmm...
______________________________________________________________________
The bustard's an exquisite fowl
With minimal reason to howl.
It escapes what would be
Illegitimacy
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
___________________________________________________________________
"Yes, I'll have another martini" said Tom, dryly
__________________________________________________________________
A photographer from a well-known national magazine
was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
 
The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
fire fighters as they battled the blaze.  
 
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it 
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos 
from the air.  His request was approved, and arrangements
were made.  He was told to report to a nearby airport where
a plane would be waiting for him.  He arrived at the airport
and saw a plane warming up near the gate.  He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, "Let's go!''   The pilot swung the little
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three
low passes so I can take some pictures."  
 
"Why?" asked the pilot.  "Because I am a photographer," he 
responded, "and photographers make photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
____________________________________________________________________
I read somewhere about a bank robber who told the teller to put all the
money into one of the bank bags.  This bank was prepared for this, since 
there are special bags at each tellers location that includes a small
ink bomb that goes off if it's passed under the electronic door circuitry.
This is merely to mark the money a bright orange, and not meant to hurt the
robber at all, just make the money unusable.
The teller stuffed all the money into the bag and handed it to the robber.
He then stuffed the bag down the front of his pants and walked out the
front door.  As you can imagine, this guy is no longer singing bass at
the church choir.
__________________________________________________________________
     She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board
the Fifth Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached
back and unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she
reached back and unzipped it again.
 
     Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put her on the
top step.
 
     "How dare you?" she demanded.
 
     "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
second time I thought we were good friends."
_______________________________________________________________________
There was a toothbrush company that sold their toothbrushes door to door. 
Each month an employee of the month award was given to the salesman who sold
the most toothbrushes.  For three months in a row, it was given to Bob who
broke the record for most sold in each of the months.  One day the boss was
curious what technique he used so he asked Bob what he did.  Bob told him,
"Well, I just go up to the door and offer whoever answers the door a chocolate
kiss.  When they eat it, they usually say, `Hey, this tastes like shit!', and
I say, `It is shit, want to buy a toothbrush?'"
______________________________________________________________________
Q: What is the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman?
 
A: The used car salesman knows when he's lying!!!
Jokes