A guy walks into a store and asks the guy behind the counter
for Polish Ham.
The storekeeper asks him, "Are you Polish?"
The man is insulted. "If I came in here and asked for French
bread, would you have asked me if I was French? If I had asked
for German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German?
If I had asked for Swiss Cheese, would you have asked me if I was
Swiss? If I had asked for Spanish peanuts, would you have asked
me if I was Spanish? ... So why did you ask me if I was Polish?!"
The clerk replied,
"Well, sir, this is a hardware store."
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The Englishman is in the United States for the first time. On his way
back from his hotel to the airport, he says to the cab driver (who's
driving on the WRONG side of the road), "Say, can you tell me any
American humor?" The cabbie thinks a bit and tells the following joke.
"I have a son who went to Carnegie Mellon to study Electrical Engineering.
After he got there, he joined the football team and neglected his
studies. I spent $70,000 on his
education and all I got was a quarter back!"
The Englishman seems a bit confused, and this is obvious to the cabbie
(who is obviously paying more attention to his fare than to the road) so
he explains, "Quarter back! Like 1/4 of a dollar. Quarterback, like
a football player."
"Har Har!" replies the Englishman.
So he goes back to England. On his way home from Heathrow, he tells the
same joke to an English cabbie.
"I say, have I got a good joke for you." The Englishman then remembers
his confusion over the punchline, so he makes a few modifications.
"I send my son to Oxford. Cost me 70,000 pounds. He joined the
rugby team and all I got was 25 pence back!"
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How do you get a one-armed Newfoundlander out of a tree?
Wave to him...
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Why do they boil water when delivering a baby?
To keep the man busy while he goes crazy.
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A urbanite walks into a livestock store and buys three dozen, baby chicks
and explains to the sales clerk that he is starting up a chicken farm. The
next month, the urbanite comes back and buys another three dozen baby chicks
from the same sales clerk. Finally, after another month the urbanite comes
back a third time for another three dozen baby chicks and the sale clerk says
"Boy your chicken farm must be doing great with all of those baby chicks
you've been buying" The urbanite frowns and says "No not really, I'm having
terrible luck with these things, either I'm planting them too deep or too far
apart."
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ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson
will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see
the minister in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation
will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper
at the end of the service.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
----------------------------------------------------
Fu Manchu and his daughter, Cherry Blossom, were on a tour of New
England, accompanied by a young man. The trio visited a pair of water slides
on a mountainside and took several rides. When the three went down a chute
together, Cherry Blossom and her boyfriend were decorous, but when it was just
the two of them, they embraced each other passionately.
"Cherry Blossom," the young man said, "I really like it when your father
isn't with us and you hug and kiss me!"
"Yes," she replied, "but I can only do that when the Fu is on the other
chute."
----------------------------------------------------
A trainee was assigned to guard the entrance to a bivouac site, and
told to use the challenge "Victor" and listen for the password, "Romeo" to
allow entry.
The trainee had been on watch only a short time when an officer from
another company approached. "Halt" commanded the guard. "Victor."
The officer didn't know the response, but he did know trainees. "No
private," he said. "That's my part, I say that."
The trainee, having been corrected a million times, assumed he had made
another mistake. The officer then said, "Victor." The trainee responded,
"Romeo," and, having heard both words, permitted the officer to pass.
----------------------------------------------------
A man who was involved in a serious motorcycle accident was unable to
speak when he first regained consciousness. Wishing to know how long he
had been unconscious, he took a piece of paper and a pencil from the bed stand
and, after writing "Date?" on it, gave it to his nurse. She handed it back
to him - after she had written the word "Married" on it.
----------------------------------------------------
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one woman
laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
----------------------------------------------------
The little daughter of a rich family attends the fourth grade. One day
the teacher gives an assignment to the class, she says:
"I want all of you write a very short paragraph about the poorest
family you have seen". The daughter of the rich family panics, as she has
never talked nor seen anyone outside of her well-to-do neighborhood.
So she writes:
" Last summer I have seen a poor family. They were so poor, so poor that,
their maids were poor, their gardeners were poor and their chauffeurs were
poor."
----------------------------------------------------
A Ohioan was driving his car in Sonoma County, where is a large mental
hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his
car, looks outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he
was riding was near the mental hospital. In short he realizes that there is
no available cheap labor to change the flat tire.
The Ohioan takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire, puts
the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire, trips over
the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer. There he is,
a Ohioan near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor, helpless. Suddenly
he hears someone yelling "Hey you! " looks and finds that there is someone
inside the mental hospital's yard (behind the bars). The patient behind the
bars says " I have been watching you for a while and saw the terrible thing
happened to you, I think I can help." "How?" asks the Ohian, "Easy," says the
loonie, "take one nut from each of the other three wheels and put it on the
fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the nearest gas
station."
"You are very smart" says the Ohioan to the loonie and continues, "Why did they
lock you in? "
"They put me in because I am a loonie" the guy tells the Ohian and continues
"not because I am stupid".
----------------------------------------------------
So Adam asked God: "God, why did you make Eve so
beautiful?", to which God replied: "So that you
would love her."
Then Adam asked: "But God, why did you give her such
large breasts?" And He replied: "So that you would
love her."
Then Adam asked: "But God, why did you give her such
long, shapely legs?" Again He replied: "So that you would
love her."
"But God... why did you make her so stupid?" and God replied:
"So that SHE would love YOU."
_________________________________________________________________
What do you get when you cross Lassie with a cantaloupe?
A melancholy baby....
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a doberman?
A watch dog for the fifth floor!
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There's a place down in St Petersburg Florida has a sign
that says:
XYZ Plumbing:
The best place in
town to take a leak.
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What do you get when you cross a lion with a monastery?
A roaring friar place.
________________________________________________________________________
Did you hear the one about the Computer Nerd whose
girlfriend has had twins. He's still looking for the other man.
___________________________________________________________________________
1st Southern Belle: My husband treats me very well.
2nd Southern Belle: Well how is that honey?
1st Southern Belle: I swear, he has taken me nearly every place on
Gods' green earth. Honey I have traveled.
3rd Southern Belle: Well, my my my.
2nd Southern Belle: Well my husband treats me very well. He gives me
Jewelry. I swear, I have a different diamond ring
for every month of the year!
3rd Southern Belle: Well, my my my.
< The others look at the third Southern Belle kind of funny at the same
repeat comment...>
4th Southern Belle: My husband surely loves me. He treats ME very well.
I have a fur coat for every day of the week.
3rd Southern Belle: Well, my my my.
Finally the other Belles look at the third Belle and the first
says to the third,
1st Southern Belle: Well Honey, is your man good to you?
3rd Southern Belle: Well, he most certainly is!
2nd Southern Belle: How is that honey?, what's he done for you?
3rd Southern Belle: He sent me off to finishin' school.
4th Southern Belle: Finishin' school'? What's so fine about finishin'
school'?
3rd Southern Belle: Well, before I went to finishin' school I used to
say, "Bullshit!" Now, I just say "my, my, my."