"Barman, three German beers", said Hans, dryly.
___________________________________________________________
An Aggie (Texas A&M student or alum for those not lucky enough to be from the
Lone Star State) graduates and tries to start a chicken farm. First he tries
planting the chickens head down, then feet down (but buried up to the neck).
Naturally all the chickens die. Finally he writes to his professor for advice
on what he is doing wrong. The professor writes back "Send soil sample."
____________________________________________________________________________
An Indian goes into a store, wanting some toilet paper. The clerk assisting
him is dragging up Charmin, Marina, etc. and the Indian is dismayed at
the pricing. Finally he settles on the generic (no name) brand as its
the cheapest.
A few weeks later the same Indian is back in the store telling the
clerk that he has a name for the no-name toilet paper, John Wayne
toilet paper. The clerk is baffled, so the Indian explains.
"it rough, it abrasive, and it take no shit off Indian"
____________________________________________________________________
One day, a priest and his friend decided to go golfing.
At the first hole, the priest plays quite well. His friend gets onto the
green, but misses his putt by a mile.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells.
"You shouldn't swear," the priest tells his friend, "the Lord is listening."
At the second hole, the priest again does a wonderful job of getting his ball
in the hole. And for a second time, his friend goes way off course for his
putt.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells to the sky.
"You shouldn't swear like that," the priest tells him again, "God is
listening."
This continues for the rest of the game, until the eighteenth hole. As he had
for the whole round, the priest comes out under par. And as he had done for
the entire course, the priests friend screws up the final putt.
"DAMN I MISSED!!" he yells once again.
And the sky goes dark, the clouds stream past at an incredible speed. Then a
lightning bolt strikes down from the sky and hits the priest, frying him and
causing his instant death.
And from the sky came an ominous voice, "DAMN I MISSED!!"
_____________________________________________________________________
Last night there was a 16 alarm fire in the Park LaBrea area of LA. It
was such a serious fire because transformers in the back of the building
were exploding. The building housed the LA Fire Prevention Council.
________________________________________________________________________
One day, Moses and Jesus were golfing, when J.C. hits the ball very close
to the water. As he prepares to take his next shot, Moses questions him
about his club selection.
"Yo, JC, shouldn't you be using a 7-iron on this to get it over the water?"
"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this same shot with the same club, and he is a
mere mortal while I am the son of God."
J.C. hits the ball, which quite quickly falls into the pond. Moses then
parts the water and gets the ball back. Jesus again uses the same club,
though. When questioned, he again states that AP, a mere mortal, made this
shot while HE was the son of God. Again the ball lands in the water. Moses
parts the water, goes out to get it, brings it back, and states that next
time he is not going to retrieve the ball. JC doesn't care, he tries the
same shot anyway. For the third time it goes in the pond. When Moses
refuses to get the ball, Jesus walks across the water and bends down to
pick it up.
At this point, some other people come up and say, "Who does that guy think
he is, Jesus Christ?"
"Nah, he thinks he's Tiger Woods," replies Moses.
_____________________________________________________________________________
From Curt Gerling in the Webster Herald:
The Pentagon scandal has everyone jittery. Last week outside the Pentagon
someone yelled "Stop thief" and 14 people did.
----------------------------------------------------
Sign seen in local department stores:
1. Ears pierced
While you wait
[One hopes so]
----------------------------------------------------
A confused person asked a man for two forms of ID when he had
given her a 20. He handed her his drivers' license.
----------------------------------------------------------------
One day a man walked into a jewelry store in a mall and began looking at some
expensive watches.
He picked out a watch worth about $900 and asked to see it. The clerk
handed it to him. The man said he would like to apply for credit to
buy it.
So, after filling out the credit forms, along with checking whatever proper
I.D. is needed for such credit, the clerk took the form into the back room
to process the application.
About this time, the man decided that he would like to have the watch for
free, and ran out of the store with it.
The police picked him up shortly thereafter at his home, which he had
conveniently listed on his application form.
----------------------------------------------------
Jacques and Pierre are a pair of Maine woodsmen of French Heritage.
Jacques is standing on a frozen lake in mid-February, casting
a lure and reeling it back in. The lure skitters back on top of the
ice.
Pierre approaches on his snowmobile,
"Jacques, What are you doeeeng?"
"I ham casteeeng for trout, Pierre."
"Oh."
Pierre continues on his journey. Two hours later Pierre returns
and asks, "Jacques, haf you ad eny luck?"
"No."
"Well.... Op on dee back and weel troll for a while."
________________________________________________________________________
A young man to girl's father: "I'd to ask for your daughter's
hand in marriage."
Father: "Don't you want the rest of her?"
__________________________________________________________________________
A young man asks his girlfriend's father to allow them to get
married. The father is exceedingly wealthy, and the girl is his only
child. So the father starts questioning the guy: "You wouldn't, by
chance, be interested in the money that would be coming to her?"
"Oh, no!" replies the young man, "I love her very much, and the money
means absolutely nothing to me!" "Hmmm," says the father, still a bit
skeptical, "Are you absolutely sure about this?" "Oh, yes! Absolutely!"
"Well, then," says the father, "You definitely can't marry her. I don't
need an idiot for a son-in-law!"
_________________________________________________________________________
To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable.
The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy.
-Ancient Chinese Warlord
The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.
-Walter Bilbey
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as
any other fragile and precious thing.
-Randolph S. Bourne
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
They seem more afraid of life than death.
-James F. Byrnes
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
-Dale Carnegie
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is
your move.
-Frank Crane
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness
without action.
-Benjamin Disraeli
Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.
-Charles G. Dawes
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
-Thomas Dewar
Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your
own. You may both be wrong.
-Dandemis
Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.
-Demosthenes
Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
-Willard Gaylin
The person who walks alone is soon trailed by the FBI.
-Wright Morris
An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides
correctly, but he always decides.
-John H. Patterson
Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the
picture. This is why there are so few masters.
-Jean Toomer
__________________________________________________
THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO MARX [GROUCHO, That is]
---------------------------
1) When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched.
2) A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going
somewhere.
3) Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.
4) Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor--
if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.
5) Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that
the mas who throws the salt has dandruff.
6) Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your
hands and knees.
7) To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had
too much the night before.
8) To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a
gun--or have a friend who is.
9) When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the
fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.
______________________________________________________________________________
What' an Innuendo?
An Italian curse.
________________________________________________________________________
__________________
Caught in the Act:
__________________
Originally from the San Jose Mercury news, "News of the Weird".
If only all thieves were like this:
Paul Kuhl, 23, was arrested after robbing a Bradenton, Florida
bank in March. When he heard a police report naming him, he
called the police from a tavern to say he didn't do it,
allowing police to trace the call and arrest him.
Police arrested a 22-year-old man for theft of a
5-foot-high wheeled arc-welder in February by following the
huge tire tracks for five blocks down dirt streets of
Hutchinson, Kansas, to his garage.
Weirdo
In Kingston, Ontario, in January, a 27-year-old driver's
license applicant, fearful that she had already failed her
driver's test, began driving recklessly to terrorize the
examiner. The examiner wrested the key out of the ignition,
but the applicant began to beat the examiner with her fists
and later tried to run her down in the parking lot.
Yankee justice
Stephen Baker, 20, was hospitalized with a gunshot wound in
Vancouver, Washington in February. According to a witness,
Baker had hit a man's car with a snowball from an overpass.
The man got out of this car, aimed a rifle at Baker, fired
one shot, got back in his car and sped off.
_______________________________________________________________________
"Have you noticed that since the price of gasoline has grown
so high, Exxon hasn't spilled a drop?" - Jay Leno on Tonight 9/28/90
_________________________________________________________________________
"Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result."
--Winston Churchill
___________________________________________________________________________
Dick Picklewater was not happily married. There are many stories about the
day-to-day thrust-and-riposte, jab-and-counterjab life that he and Mickey
led, but this tale doesn't concern Mickey at all.
Dick was wobbling down the sidewalk one day, overcompensating for a liquid
lunch, when he observed a funeral procession coming down the street. Led by a
hearse, the procession moved on by. First in line after the hearse was an
unusually large German shepherd, then a long row of guys on foot.
Dick was curious, so he asked the last fellow in the train who had died.
"My wife," the man answered.
"Shorry to hear that," said Dick. "How'd it happen?"
"Our dog...well, MY dog now...ate her," the bereaved man said, thrusting his
chin in the direction of the German shepherd.
Dick blinked, blinked again, and said, "Uhhhh...I'd like to borrow that dog
of yours one of these days."
The fellow stepped aside. "Get in line."
___________________________________________________________________________
Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics he and his campaign
manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota.
While they were in a small town a bus-load of tourists pulled in.
The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a
few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a
bit, then Humphrey could go shake everybody's hand. This sounded
good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing
his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to
town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should
mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and
he does look and talk a an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But he's
a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if
you would just kind of be nice to him."
After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they
acted.