A very Christian man goes hunting for the first time.  Suddenly,
he hears a twig snap behind him.  He turns to face a HUGE bear.
The bear growls, rears up on its back legs and charges at the
man.  The man drops his gun and runs.  The bear chases him through 
the woods.  Finally the man comes upon a boulder.  He jumps
over the boulder, squats on the ground and prays,
 
"Please, God, let this be a Christian bear!"
 
The bear then jumps over the boulder, squats down beside the man,
and says,
 
"Thank you Lord for the meal we are about to receive."
___________________________________________________________________
Two ropes meet one night and decide to go out for some drinks.
The first rope decides he would like a beer so he walks up to
the bartender and says "Hey bartender I'll have a couple beers". 
The bartender looks at the rope and says "Hey aren't you a rope,
We don't serve your kind in here". Feeling kind of rejected the 
rope returns to his friend and says "lets leave".  The second
rope says let me handle this, and then proceeds to tie himself
into a knot and ruffs up his ends. The second rope approaches the
bartender and says "Hey bartender I'll have a couple beers". 
The bartender says alright and proceeds to pour the beer.
Suddenly the bartender stops and looks at the rope and says
"Hey aren't you one of those ropes". The rope gets a grin on his
face and says ......
 
I'm afraid not 
_____________________________________________________________________________
gimme that real old time religion
gimme that real old time religion
gimme that real old time religion,
it's good enough for me
 
It's the opera written for us,
We will all join in the chorus,
It's a song about Boris
And it's Godunov for me.
 
It was good for the object
Of the Manhattan Project.
It was good for Enrico
And it's good enough Fermi.
_____________________________________________________
 
 I used to work in Chicago
 In a department store
 I used to work in Chicago
 I did but I don't anymore
 
 A lady came in and asked for some booze
 I asked what kind she adored
 liquor she said 
 so lick her I did
 And I'll never work there anymore!
 
 I used to work in Chicago...
 
 A lady came in and asked for some meat
 I asked what kind she adored
 pork she said
 so pork her I did
 And I'll never work there anymore!
 
 I used to work in Chicago...
 
 A lady came in and asked for a drink
 I asked what kind she adored
 pop she said
 so pop her I did
 And I'll never work there anymore!
 
 I used to work in Chicago...
 
 A lady came in and asked for a tool
 I asked what kind she adored
 drill she said
 so drill her I did
 And I'll never work there anymore!

Jokes