Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor. 
"The one worry I have", says Lenin, "is this: will the people
follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will", says Stalin, "they surely will."
"I hope so", says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?".
"No problem", says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
__________________________________________________
The secret police have discovered a man who  looks  exactly  like
Stalin.  This  is  obviously  dangerous: he could impersonate the
Leader, and who knows what harm may  result.  Beria,  the  secret
police  chief,  is reporting to Stalin, and asking for instructions.
 
"Why, shoot him." says Stalin.
"Certainly, comrade Stalin; a great idea, comrade Stalin." says 
Beria," but... well, I will see that this is done promptly!"
"BUT?" says Stalin "But what?! Speak out your mind! You know I 
am always open to suggestions."
"Well, I thought, if we just shaved off his moustache... he
might be no problem... " says Beria.
"A valuable suggestion, comrade Beria!" says  Stalin.  
"We'll implement it. Shave him, _then_ shoot him!
__________________________________________________
Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning.
Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices
that Vladimir is also smiling.
 
Ivan [suspiciously]:  "What were you thinking about?"
Vladimir:  "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."
Ivan:  "Then it is my duty to arrest you."
__________________________________________________
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the 
day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
 
"What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked 
hard all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I
can't even buy a piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
 
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
"Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you
had made an outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points
an imaginary gun to this head and pulls the trigger.
 
The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of 
meat again?"
 
"It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."
__________________________________________________
In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
Finally they decide:
     "Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million US dollars
     The Jews will do _anything_ for money!". 
Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
 
Finally a telegram comes:
     "NO THANK YOU STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY STOP"
__________________________________________________
Stalin dies and goes to hell (of course).  But the devil is worried
that he might take over, so he won't let him in the gates.
Stalin wanders around outside the gates, looking for help, for 3 years.
Finally some Hungarians killed in the 1956 uprising come by.
Even they feel sorry for poor Stalin, and one of them offers to help.
He tells Stalin to climb into a potato sack, and three of them
carry it to the wall.  They yell up at Satan:
     "Hey, have you got a fellow named Karl Marx in there ?"
     The devil says: "Yes, why ?"
They toss the sack with Stalin over the wall.
     "Tell him to come collect the interest on his `Kapital'."
__________________________________________________
 
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite.
Of course it would orbit not Earth but Sputnik.
__________________________________________________
Stalin is dying, and summons Comrade Khrushchev to his bedside. Wheezing his
last few words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khrushchev, "Comrade, the reins
of the country are now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you
some advice."
 
"Yes, yes, Great Leader, what is it?" says Khrushchev.
 
Reaching under his pillow, Stalin produces two envelopes marked 1 and 2.
"Take these letters," he tells Khrushchev. "Keep them safely - don't open
them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things start going bad, open
the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, even after
that, if things start going REALLY bad, open the second one." And with a
gasp Stalin breathed his last.
 
Well, Khrushchev succeeded him, and sure enough, within a few years things
started going bad - unemployment increased, crops failed, people became
restless. Nikita decided it was time to open the first letter. All it said
was: "Blame everything on me!" So Khrushchev launched a massive
deStalinization campaign, and blamed Josef for all the excesses and purges and
ills of the present system, and bought himself some time that way.
 
But things continued on the downside - Kennedy successfully rebuffed Soviet
missiles in Cuba, unemployment increased even more, crops failed even more,
the Politburo was unhappy with Khrushchev's leadership and upstarts like
Brezhnev and Gromyko were threatening his credibility. So finally, after
much deliberation, Nikita opened the second letter.
 
All it said was: "Write two letters."

Jokes