There was this woman that  asked  her  doctor  about  considering
facelift  surgery  to  cure  wrinkles.  To this her doctor told her that
this surgery was very messy and that it would have to be redone every  2
to 3 years again.
 
     The woman then explained that she would not be interested  in  this
and that her didn't care to have her facelift done.  To this, the doctor
then said that there was one other alternative to this.  That is to  get
a  new experimental surgery from a French doctor that used a knob on the
back of her head.  Every time the face would need lifting, she would  be
able  to  do this herself by turning the knob.  This is exactly what the
woman decided she wanted and had the surgery done immediately.
 
     A year later she noticed a  small  wrinkle,  turned  the  knob  and
Bingo!,  the  wrinkle  was  gone.   Again, another year later, same procedure.
 
This procedure was the best thing that  had  ever  happened  to her.
 
     After about 5 years she started noticing bumps around  her  cheeks.
After  tightening  the  knob  several times, the bumps only seem to move
more towards the underside of her eyes.  Each time the  bumps  only  got
worse.  With this the lady called her doctor and made an appointment.
 
     After examining the lady, the doctor exclaimed, "Lady, those aren't
bumps,  those  are  your tits and if you tighten any more, you'll have a
beard!!!".


____________________________________________________________
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were 
a member of Congress; but I repeat myself" - Mark Twain
____________________________________________________________
Bumper sticker seen in Seattle:
     "Save the Safeway lobsters"
__________________________
Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worships
        the number zero?
Is nothing sacred?
_______________________________________________________
     There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.  Day after day the
man would go through this routine.  Finally the newsboy could not stand it
and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
front page before discarding it?"
     The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
     "But they are on page 21.  You never even unfold the newspaper."
     "Young man," he said, "the one I'm looking for will be on the
front page."
__________________________
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, BUT I loved her still.
__________________________
     A short story I read once claimed that when Sherlock Holmes died and
went to heaven, God presented him with a mystery: Adam and Eve had
disappeared! Holmes quickly identified the couple (who, it turned out, had
disguised themselves to get away from the constant demands to meet curious new
arrivals). When asked how he had solved the case, Holmes replied, "Elementary,
my dear God. They were the only persons without navels."
__________________________
Take heart: the only person who always got his work done by Friday was
Robinson Crusoe.
__________________________
What do you call a computer scientist ...
It doesn't matter what you call him.  He's too involved with the computer
to come anyway.
Jokes