There was a well known bum in Boston a few years back, who was popularly
called Artie.  Everybody liked him, because he was the most gentle mann
that anyone had ever met, but one day he flipped, and strangled a small
child in order to rob him of his money, but the kid had only 50 cents on
him, so Artie, now worked up by his homicidal act, attacked and choked to
death the next person who went past.  This person too, had only 50 cents,
But this time he was spotted by a passerby and reported to the police.
The next day, the Boston Globe had this headline:
 
      Artichokes 2 for $1
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A cop is driving down the street when he sees hookers on the side of the
street. He pulls over and gets out, he arrests one of the hookers and 
puts her in his patrol car.  He gets in the car and then turns around to
the hooker and says "I bet you haven't been picked up by the fuzz before
have you".  Hooker says "No, but I have been swung by the tits a couple
of times!" 
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     Why do cows have long legs?
     It they didn't it would lead to their utter destruction.
 
________________________________
 
  
Remark on the efficacy of fortune-tellers, from the memoirs of a New York
policewoman:
 
      I've been told lots of things by [gipsy fortune-tellers], but I've
never been told that I was a plainclothes policewoman about to arrest them.
 
________________________________
 
BUMPER STICKER SEEN ON A CAR IN FLORIDA:
 
        "Leaving Florida?  Take a friend."
                -The Commission Against Progress in Florida
 
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From the Friday Jan. 23, 1987 S.F. Chronicle,  Herb Caen Column.
 
Bomb scare at the Presidio PX!  Joanna Moore, wife  of Col. Brian Moore, 
suddenly found herself surrounded by grim faced bomb squaders, MPs and
firemen when her handbag exploded in a cloud of mysterious smoke.  What had
happened:  her collection of matchbooks from recent restaurant forays was
too close to her Bic and a can of hair spray, producing instant blast-off. 
After pledging allegiance to Ronald Reagan and the Republican Party, she was
released, muttering, "If I were a terrorist I'd never have used my best
eelskin bag."  She was not burned except metaphorically. 
 
Arthur C. Clarke's Law : 
   It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
 
________________________________
 
Last month, after one of the boats was eliminated from the Cup, the crew members
decided to go sightseeing for kangaroos.  Sure enough, they were successful:
They were motoring through the bush when the car hit a kangaroo with a thud. 
The driver was taken aback.  But then he decided it might be neat to take off
his official team Gucci jacket, put it on the limp kangaroo, prop up the
animal and pose for pictures with it.  This worked fine until the kangaroo,
who was merely stunned, woke up and bounded away - with the car keys inside
the jacket. 
The stranded crew eventually made it back to civilization, but only after a
long, long walk.
________________________________

Children at the front seat cause accidents,
accidents at the back seat cause children!
______________________________
From "Dear Abby" newspaper column-
 
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.  Any suggestions?
  -Sam in California
 
Dear Sam, Yes: run for public office.