St. Peter typically tends the Pearly Gates, but one Saturday afternoon Gabriel
substituted for him (must have been a Notre Dame football game).  Pete had
instructed Gabe to greet each person seeking entry, check to see if his/her
name was on the LIST, and then require the person to prove their identity in
some way.
 
First up was Albert Einstein.  Gabe checked the list and said, "Yep, you're on
the list.  Do something that will prove you're Einstein."  Al called for paper
and pen and gave several short proofs of relativity related theories, and Gabe
smiled and said. "Come on in Al."
 
Leonard Bernstein was next.  Gabe checked and said, "Yep, you're on the list.
What can you do to prove to me that you're Leonard Bernstein?"  Bernstein 
called for a baton and directed the angelic choir in a fabulous rendering of
the Missa.  Gabriel smiled, applauded, and said, "Come on in Lenny!"
 
Then came Dan Quayle.  His name was on the list, and Gabriel asked him to 
prove that he was indeed Dan Quayle.  "What do you mean, _prove_ who I am?!"
Quayle responded with indignant surprise.  Gabriel apologized, "Everyone has
to do it, sir.  I just had to ask the same of Albert Einstein and Leonard
Bernstein."
 
"Einstein?  Bernstein?  Who are they?!"  returned Quayle.
_________________________________

Q. What do John the Baptist, and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A. The same middle name.
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 There's this man who has a drinking problem. Everyday, while on his way
home from the office, he stops over the pub and grabs a few drinks. His wife 
finally gets fed up with his coming
home drunk every night and warns him that he will be in real trouble
if he gets drunk again. 
 
Well, this time he really decides he won't drink. Still, on his way home,
temptation overcomes him and he goes into the pub. To fool his wife, he
decides that upon reaching home, he'll pretend to read a book and his
wife, thinking that drunks cannot read straight, won't suspect a thing.
 
As planned, he staggers home, sits on the bed and acts as he had planned.
"You drank again, didn't you"? Snaps his wife. 
"I'm reading a book, aren't I"? "Drunks don't read books" replies the 
husband.
"Yeah, Yeah, now put away that briefcase and go to sleep" says the wife.
____________________________________
Brief anecdotes from the Dumb Crook News an occasional feature
of Out Front from the Charlotte Observer.
 
 
Robbery victims inspected a lineup up of 5 men in San Diego.
Each of the men in the lineup were ordered to step forward and
say,"Give me all the money-and I need some change in quarters and dimes.
 
The first two men got it right. The third man stepped forward and said,
"That isn't what I said."
 
 
A man in Delaware represented himself at his trial for robbing a woman
at a gas station. In cross-examining a detective he said," Why are
you talking about some witness, man? There was only me and her at the store."
 
In New York one man tried to rob a bank. Unfortunately he picked
the very day the FBI got paid. When he asked the teller to hand over
the money several guns were pulled and aimed at him immediately.
 
Burglars broke into a small town post office, taking radios, 
a public address system and various other things. They found a camera
which they used to take each other's picture while sitting behind the
desks. They forgot the camera and the unexposed film.
____________________________________________________________
A woman visited her family solicitor and said, `I'd like to go over my will
again. I'm a bit worried about...'
`Don't you worry about a thing,' said the solicitor, `just leave it all to
me.'
`I suppose I might as well,' she with a sigh. `You'll end up with it all
anyway.'
____________________________________
`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is
anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'
______________________________
 
A widow was in a complaining mood. `Don't talk to me about lawyers!' she
confided to a friend. `I've had so much trouble settling my late husband's
estate, sometimes I wish he'd never died!'
____________________________________
Two partners in a law firm were briefed for an important fraud case. One of
them had to leave for a conference just before the end of the trial and his
partner promised to let him know the verdict as soon as it was announced. A
week later, he received a FAX message which simply said, `Justice has
triumphed!' He immediately sent an urgent message back which read:
`Appeal at once!'
_____________________________________

Committee:  A group of people who individually can do nothing, but
collectively can only decide that nothing can be done.
Jokes