There were two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr
Carrot, and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says
to Mr Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot  says
"You're  not so slim yourself!".  So Mr Turtle says "Ok, we'll see who
is the least fit, race you back to the office" So the race starts, and
they'd  only  got about a block down the street when Mr Turtle crosses
the road in front of a car and gets bowled.  Mr Carrot sees that  he's
in  a  pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr Cabbage,
the ambulance driver.  Mr Cabbage duly arrives  and  piles  Mr  Turtle
into  the  Ambulance and rushes to hospital.  Mr Turtle follows and as
soon as he gets to the Hospital he asks  the  nurse  at  Accident  and
Emergency,  Miss  Cauliflower,  whether  he  will  be  alright.  "Miss
Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies
"Well,  i  couldn't  really  say,  you'll have to ask Dr Bean".  So he
rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor  Bean,  will
Mr  Turtle  be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't like to
say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor  Pea",  so  of  course,  Mr
Carrot  rushes  over  to  Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea,
will Mr Turtle be alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I  can
for him, it's all in the hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot
waits outside the surgery for 3 hours until  they  have  finished  the
operation,  and rushes up to Dr Turnip and says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor
Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip  turns  to  him  and
says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the
rest of his life..."
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After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
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  Doctor to patient in hospital:
"Mr Jones, I have some good news, and I have some bad news,
which shall I tell first?"
"Do begin with the bad news, please."
"Allright.  Your son has drowned,
your daughter has been raped,
your wife has divorced you,
your house got blown away,
and you have AIDS."
Perplexed, the man murmurs: "Whazze goonewz?"
Doctor says: "The good news is
that there is no more bad news."
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Two guys recently dead was given the option to stay either in heaven
or hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was ok to
look around first and to their surprise it was.
 
First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys where there, dressed in
white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought
our heroes.
 
- Let's go to Hell, they said to each other.
 
Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars,
casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of
people having a real good time.
 
Back from hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell.
They both chose Hell.
 
Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a
sub-surface car and driven to coal-mine. Someone gave them a shovel
each and told to start working.
 
What's this? The last time we where here they place was entirely
different.
 
- Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants.
Jokes