Two adventurers were sitting on a river bank in South America,
dangling their feet in the stagnant water.  Suddenly a vicious
crocodile swam up and snapped a leg off one of them.
"I say," drawled the unfortunate fellow to his companion, "A
crocodile just bit off my leg."
"Really?" said his friend. "Which one?"
The other intrepid adventurer yawned and replied : "I don't know
- you've seen one alligator and you've seen them all."
________________________________
At the inquest, the coroner gently asked the widow :
"Could you tell us what your late husband's last words were?"
"Yes," she replied. "He said : 'I really don't see how they can
make a profit out of selling this corned beef at ten cents a
tin...'"
________________________________
Unfamiliar with city traffic, a country rustic hopped on a bus
at Waterloo and asked the conductor if the bus would take him to
Oxford Street.
"Which part?" said the conductor.
"Why - all of me, of course!" cried the rustic.
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Harold Hopps was having difficulty seeing things, so he went to
the optician.  After examining his eyes, the optician said :
"Hmmmmmmm, this looks bad.  Have your eyes ever been checked
before?"
"No," said Harold.  "As far as I know, they have always been
dark blue."
________________________________

A labourer on a building site had just started work.  When the
middle of the week came he found he was broke.  So he went up to
the manager of the site.
"Can I have my week's wages now?" he asked.
"But you've only been here three days!"
"I know," the labourer agreed. "But if I can trust you for the
first half of the week, surely you can trust me for the second
half!"
________________________________
On holiday in London, a married couple, both Indian fakirs,
booked into a hotel.  On their first night, the man was very
tired and he gave a wide yawn.
"Have you made the bed yet?" he asked his wife.
"I can't," she said. "I forgot the nails."
______________________________________________________________
NEWS HEADLINES:
 
The marriage of the two lighthouse-keepers in the Crondo
Islands was said to be on the rocks.
 
       *         *         *
 
The Government plan to have all meat pies wrapped in
tin has been foiled.
 
       *         *         *
 
Hens have lost all sense of direction - eggs are going up
again.
________________________________
POLITICIAN : Tell me, how do you know when a person is insane?
PSYCHIATRIST : Well, firstly I ask them questions that an
               average person could answer easily.  For example:
               If Captain Cook made five trips around the world
               and was killed on one of them - which one was it?
POLITICIAN : Er...Well..Couldn't you ask me a question on
             another subject?  I'm not very good at history.