"Outlaw to announce 3 police promotions"
 
"Mayor says D.C is safe except for murders"
 
"High crime areas said to be safe"
 
"Slow Driver Arrested After 4-County chase"
    Los Angeles - The California Highway Patrol booked a motorist for
  evading arrest and other charges after a long chase through four
  counties that never exceeded the speed limit, a spokesman said
  yesterday. 
 
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A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised
tardiness.  Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those
interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class.
Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics.  Well, one day a
student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof
was writing notes on the chalkboard.  The professor caught the student out of
the corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further
supported the rumours of his evolution), and turned to face the student.  He
demanded, "What do you think you're doing?".   Being a science student, one
naturally thinks quick, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down
from the back to get a better look at the board".  The prof smiled.
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Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive
credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be
signed by the instructor/lecturer.  It was at the time, policy that students
attend their courses.  But depending on the size of the class, it was often
quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class
regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you,
you would have to repeat the course (& attend!).  On one occasion, a student
handed his card to be signed.  The professor looked at the name, then at the
student, and said, "I've never you see in my class.", and handed back the
card.  Now being a science student, he naturally thought quick, and proceeded
to the end of the line.  When he was at the front again, he handed his card to
the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You
look familiar. OK", and signed the card.
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How many Baptist preachers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
        A1: They don't go in for that kind of stuff, at least when anyone's
looking.
        A2: And Jesus said, "I am the light of the world."  So who needs light
bulbs?
        A3: One to pray for guidance, one to proselytize, and one to pass the
hat. They prefer a full choral backup, but can make do with an organ playing
"Just As I Am".
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of Jack Daniels.  The bartender
says "What's the problem?"
 
"I just found out one of my brothers likes men!", the man replied.
 
... One week later the same man comes into the bar and orders 15 shots of Jack
Daniels.
 
The bartender again asks him "What's the problem?"
 
"I just found out my other brother likes men also.", he replies.
 
... The next week the same man appears and orders 20 shots of Jack Daniels.
 
The bartender asks, "What's the problem, doesn't anyone in your family like
 
women?"
 
"Yeah", he replied, "My sister"...