In a field a few pigs were grazing. An engineer, a physicist and a
mathematician looked at them. 
 
Engineer  :   There are few pigs here.
 
Phy       :   There are eight black pigs here.
 
Math      :   There are eight pigs here with at least one side black.
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Systems Engineering Process Manual _ Rules for Written English
 
 1. Don't use no double negatives.
 2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.
 3. When dangling, watch your participles.
 4. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
 5. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
 6. About those sentence fragments.
 7. Try to not ever split infinitives.
 8. Its important to use apostrophe's correctly.
 9. Always read what you have written to see if you any words out.
10. Correct spelling is esential.
11. Avoid alliterations. Always.
12. Prepositions are not suitable words to end sentences with.
13. Avoid cliches like the plague.
14. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
15. Contractions aren't necessary.
16. One should never generalize.
17. Foreign words and phrases are not "a propos".
18. Profanity sucks.
19. Understatement is always best.
20. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
21. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
22. Who needs rhetorical questions?
23. Anadiplosis is unnecessary, unnecessary and affected. 
24. Try to avoid repetitive redundancies.
25.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
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From the Round Church, Cambridge...
 
This church is a very awkward shape with lots of pillars and poor
acoustics, so they have a sound system (unusual in British churches).
On one occasion the minister (Rev. Mark Ruston) stepped up to the
microphone at the start of the service at the point where the liturgy
says "Minister: The Lord be with you / Response: And also with you"
and taps the microphone, saying "There's something wrong with this
microphone!"  The response came back loud and clear:
 
"And also with you"
Jokes