from Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's lungs. Piracy: Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. Misericorde: A type of dagger which in medieval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. ______________________________ A Baptist, a Catholic and a Christian Scientist die and go to hell. They are standing there looking around when the devil comes up and asks the Baptist "Well boy what you got to say for yourself?" The Baptist says "well, I blew it. I'm here that's it." He walks up to the Catholic and says "what about you?" The Catholic says "I'm not worried I got somebody praying me out of here." He walks up to the Christian Scientist and says "well?" The Christian Scientist say "Man I'm not here." _________________________________ There was a young lady named Maud A terrible society fraud: In company, I'm told She was awfully cold. But if you got her alone, Oh God! _______________________________ One day, a child was born in a small village, but unfortunately he was born with absolutely no ears whatsoever. A little girl wished to go see the child, and naturally her mother was concerned that she not mention anything about the absence of ears on this child. The young girl assured her mother that she wouldn't bring up his ears (or rather lack of them), and so the mother said it was all right for her to visit him. Upon seeing the newborn infant, the girl was amazed to see the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen! She said to the boy's mother and father, "His eyes are so beautiful!" and queried, "With such gorgeous eyes, I'll bet he has perfect vision, too." The mother said (proudly), "Why, yes, I guess he ..." but before she could finish speaking the little girl added, "It's a good thing he'll never have to wear glasses." _______________________________ She was young, she was beautiful, she was married - and she was with her lawyer to seek a divorce. "What are the grounds?" said the lawyer. "Well, after a year of marriage, I'm still a virgin," she replied. Looking at her, the lawyer found that hard to understand. "What are the circumstances?" he asked. "Well," she said, "I'm married to an IBM salesman. He's a good provider, works hard, works late." This did not seem a promising start and the lawyer indicated accordingly. "But," she continued, "every evening when he comes home he sits at the end of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be - and then he falls asleep." _______________________________________ One day, Electra and Orestes were having a bit of a pow-wow. Electra was doing her vengeance bit, urging Orestes to avenge the death of Agamemnon. She kept pestering, and nagging, and Orestes was getting more and more annoyed. The longer she went on, the more beside himself Orestes became, until finally he was sweating, tearing his hair out, stomping around the room, and cussing. Electra said: "What's the matter, Orestes, can't take the heat?" And Orestes replied: "It's not the heat, it's the Eumenides!"