A rather dumb man enter a clothes shop, to buy a suit, the conversation 
went like this...
 
Man: Umm... I have a very special occasion coming up.
Salesman: And?
Man: Well I was wondering if you anything in the range of...
Salesman: What?
Man: anything in the range of birthday suits?
______________________________
   Recently during maneuvers, an Iraqi general was commanding his troops 
   in the desert when an American G.I. appeared at the top of a sand dune.
   "Come and get me you camel jockeys!" he yelled, and then ran back over   
   the sand dune out of sight.  Feeling rather insulted the Iraqi general
   gave the order, "Captain, take 100 men and go around to the right side of 
   that sand dune and get me that Yankee Dog."  Off went the captain and
   his men and after a long while the G.I. again appears at 
   the top of the sand dune and shouts, "Come and get me you camel jockeys."
   and promptly runs back over the sand dune, out of sight.  The
   general angrily shouts "Colonel, take 500 men around  the left side of 
   that sand dune and bring me the head of that Yankee Dog.".  Off goes
   the colonel and his men.  Eventually the G.I. appears at the top 
   of the dune again and repeats "Come and get me you camel jockeys.".
   Well the general has had enough and shouts to the rest of his men, 
   "Follow me", and starts up the top of the sand dune when off to the 
   left the colonel is desperately crawling and shouting "Go back, go
   back, it's a trap.  There's two of them."
____________________________________
       A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
                   by Mark Twain
 
      For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
      Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" _ bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez _ tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
      Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
___________________________________
     Anyway, my dad and I were pouring some concrete, and we needed
     to get some sand.  So we took our truck to the gravel pits near our
     house, and asked the guy at the gate if we could buy some sand.  The guy
     said, "sure, we sell sand here.  We sell wholesale, so the more you buy,
     the cheaper it gets."  To this my dad responded, "Well, just keep on
     piling it on until it's free!!."

		 
		 

Jokes