A young man sitting in church has to go to the bathroom something fierce!
Only he doesn't seem to know where the bathroom is as this is his first time
worshiping at this congregation. Not being able to contain himself any longer
he runs up and quietly asks the priest (who is about to give his
sermon) where the bathroom is. The priest replies, "Up the stairs to the right
my son". The young man, being over anxious, mistakenly goes upstairs and takes
a left. He walks down the hall until he comes upon a hole in the floor. Not
really sure what to make of the situation he, can't wait ANY longer and
decides this must be the place. He proceeds to plop down on the hole in the
floor and conduct his business. Meanwhile, the priest is jibber-jabbing about
world hunger etc. He reaches out with both palms and proclaims "Oh mighty
Lord, grant us food for the hungry"!!! At that moment the young man upstairs
cuts a log. It sails straight down and into the palms of the priest!! The
congregation is astonished, the priest is shocked!! For lack of a better
response the priest shouts upward, "Oh supreme one! What is it that you
want from us"?!?! The young man shouts back, "Send up a roll of toilet paper"!
_______________________________________
An engineer and a mathematician are place in a room in one corner, and
in the opposing corner is a beautiful naked woman. They are told that
they may go half the distance to the woman at a time.
To this the mathematician replies "It is a known fact that going half
the distance between from point A to point B, you will never reach
point B"
With that the engineer says "Yeah, but you can get close enough!"
________________________________
A physicist and an engineer were lost in the desert as a result of a plane
crash. They were near the point of death from lack of water. Suddenly,
a djini appeared and said, "I can give you water, but you have to work for
it. 100 meters in that direction is a flask of water. The only catch is,
you have to go 1/2 of the way stop, 1/2 of the way and stop..."
So the go 50 meters, 25 meters, ..., finally they are about a few cm from
the flask; and the physicist says, "We're gonna die! We'll never make it to
the water." The Engineer says "Piss on you, If you want die" and reaches
down, picks up the flask, and drinks the water.
_____________________________________
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given $500 to measure
the height of a building.
The mathematician buys himself a theodolite and a measuring tape, measures
off a distance from the foot of the building and then measures the
angle to the top of the building and uses trig to get the answer.
The physicist buys herself a stop watch and a lead weight, climbs to
the top of the building and times how long the weight takes to fall
and calculates the height from that.
The engineer slips the doorman ten bucks and asks him how tall the
building is.
_______________________________________
A cop was called out to a Friday night disturbance at an apartment
building. Turned out to be a whole family of Newfies standing on the
front lawn, yelling and screaming and generally raising hell.
The cop looked up at what they were pointing at, and saw a rather tasty
young nubile having a shower in front of an uncurtained bathroom window.
"C'mon! Move it! Break it up!" yelled the cop, then he saw all the Newfie
women looking up and laughing.
"Hey! I can understand the men making a ruckus, but what about you ladies?"
Toothless ol' Newfie grandma chuckled, "Why, Mister, kin't you see? She's
up there takin' a shower! An' it won't be Saturday for a good three hours
yet!"
_____________________________
Three people died and reached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates simultaneously.
St. Peter explained that your room in Heaven was dictated by your I.Q. on
Earth. He asked the 1st man his I.Q. and the response was "200". He was
placed in a room with Da Vinci and Einstein and other geniuses and felt
completely at home. The 2nd man responded that his I.Q. stood at about 110
He in turn was sent to the 3rd room on the right and found doctors, lawyers
and other professionals. He also was right at home. The 3rd man however
responded his I.Q. was 20. "20!?!?!!?" gasped St. Peter. He sent the
man to the end of the hall, final door on the left. The man walked down
opened the door and found himself in the middle of a football stadium with
the rest of the Mississippi State fans.
_________________________________
"How would you like to come back to my place for a hamburger and some sex?"
"No!"
"What's the matter, you don't like hamburgers?"
_____________________________________________________________________-
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in the closet,
Every time she let it out,
It left a small deposit.
Mary had a little lamb,
It was full of hops,
One day it jumped all over the road,
and ended up as chops!
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead,
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread!
Jokes