Not far from Rank Xerox's office in Welwyn, England, there is a town called
Hitchin. On one of the commonly used routes into Hitchin, there was a
junction which often confused travellers, causing them to make a wrong turn. The
resulting route was nine miles longer than the correct route into Hitchin.
This common mistake was sufficiently irritating that the local people waged
a campaign to have a new signpost erected at the junction. After due process,
the signpost was installed, and the local people showed up for the
installation, holding a sort of mini-festival of celebration.
The local newspaper reported the event with the following headline:
"A Hitchin Sign Saves Nine"
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Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."
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According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe
vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and
switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in
place inside.
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the
home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon
us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only
result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in
turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.
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There is no statute of limitations on stupidity
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The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero
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1 Billion dollars of budget deficit 1 Gramm-Rudman
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears Avocado's number
2 pints 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis the Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes A straight line
6 Curses 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories 1 Food Pound
1 Mole 007 Secret Agents 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound 16 oz of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish 1 Octo - Puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies
to 1 meter per second 1 Fig - Newton
one half large intestine 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie 1 Microfilm
1000 pains 1 Megahertz
1 Word 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship 1 Millihelen
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The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
in Billigrahams.
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If a can of Alpo costs $.38 in our rate of exchange, would it cost $2.50 in
Dog Dollars.
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A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.
During one trip, the driver dropped her at a mall before he gasing up. The
cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.
The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally
he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
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A normally sweet Great Dane Fido has one quirk: she hates United Parcel
Service drivers. While walk Fido one day, around the corner of a house came
a UPS man. Struggling to keep hold of Fido, the owner tried to ease the
situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men." "Don't you feed
her anything else?" he responded.
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One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received
the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we
were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
Jokes