``I've brought back the lorry I borrowed'', he said truculently.

``Let's put some new foam plastic into that old, worn-out settee'',
he said philosophically. 

`I've lost the drawing pins!' he said tacklessly.

`I just ate them!' she replied tackfully.

"STOP!!!",Tom screeched.

_______________________________________________________________
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a viola.

Why do baroque string quartet songs all have different names?
So you can tell them apart.
_______________________________________________________________


      A couple on their honeymoon in the hotel room. The young man is
      sat in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself: 
      "How can I tell my wife that I have really smelly feet, and that they
      always, always pong? I've managed to keep it secret while we
      were dating, but she's bound to find out now that we're married!"

      Meanwhile the wife is in the bedroom, lying on the bed, thinking to 
      herself: "How can I tell my husband that I've got really smelly breath? 

      I managed to keep it from him while we were courting, but it's
      going to be tough now that we're married."

      Back in the bathroom the husband says: "Right! That's it! I'll just
      have go through and tell her!" So he walks through to the bedroom,
      sits down on the bed next to his wife, puts his arm around her,
      puts his face up to her's and says: "Darling, I've a confession
      to make." She says "So have I." 

      "Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks."
____________________________________________________________________________
 

One day two cowboys and a friendly Indian were out riding when they were
attacked by a horde of bandits.  The three galloped off frantically with the
bandits in pursuit.  To the cowboys horror they realize that they are
galloping towards the end of a cliff.  The Indian sees this and yells
"AKATENAH!!"  His horse goes crazy and leaps over the cliff with him on it. 
Similarly excited and maddened the cowboys' horses follow.  All three horses
slide and stumble down the steep sides of the cliff and somehow by a miracle,
made it to the bottom unhurt.  They were also safe as the bandits dared not
follow them down.  Later on in camp the cowboys asked the Indian.
"That word you screamed, that made the horses do that incredible stunt, what
does it mean?"
To which the Indian replied, "In my language, that means stop."
______________________________________________________________________-
A threesome of golfers was joined on the first tee one morning by a
newcomer who introduced himself and explained that this was the
first time he'd been on a golf course.  Seeing the other three wince, he
hastened to explain that he was a pretty good athlete and didn't think
he'd hold up their game any.

When it came time for him to tee off, he took out a putter.  The others
suggested he might do better with a wood.  "That's all right," he said.
"I saw you guys did pretty well with a wood, but I get a kick out of
doing things the hard way."

So he swung away with the putter and knocked the ball down the
fairway about 150 yards.  The others were impressed, but then the
ball took a bounce and rolled into some trees and underbrush.  They
finally found it resting between a tree and a thorny bush, with no
room to swing.  Clearly an unplayable lie.

"No problem," said the newcomer.  And he grabbed a club at random
out of his bag, took hold of a tree branch and quickly flipped himself
up to hang upside down over the ball.  "Uh, don't you want to use an
iron rather than a wood?" asked one of the others.  "That's okay," said
the fellow dangling from the tree.  "This'll do fine."  And he proceeded
to give the ball a swipe that sent it bouncing swiftly down the fairway,
where it buried itself in a sandtrap next to the green.

"Good shot!" said one of the others, "but how'll you get out of that?
Wanna borrow a sand wedge?"

"No thanks," replied the newcomer.  "See how the back of the trap is
higher than the front?"  Whereupon he took out a 3-wood and, with a
mighty eruption of sand, blasted the ball in a screaming line drive to
the forward edge of the trap, whence it ricocheted to the back and
flew in a gentle arc neatly up onto the green.

"That's incredible!" gasped the others, not daring to mention that he
might like to use a putter now that he was on the green.  Sure enough,
the newcomer took out a chipping wedge and, without so much as
mussing the grass, lofted the ball neatly into the hole on one hop for a
par four.

The rest of the round went the same way.  What the newcomer lacked
in accuracy and club selection he made up for with sheer agility and
coordination.  By the end of the round, he'd given the three veterans a
run for their money, and they'd become quite friendly.  Over drinks at
the 19th hole, one of the veterans asked, "You showed us some pretty
amazing stunts out there.  With talent like yours, how come you're not
a professional athlete?"

"Well, I might've been, but it's too confining.  You know me; I like to
do things the hard way.  It's more fun."

One of the other veterans piped up: "Um.. you mentioned while we
were talking out on the course that you have four children.  Could
you.. um.. tell us, how you.. um.. go about conceiving them?  Or
practicing, when you're not conceiving?  Pardon me if I'm being
indiscreet, of course."

"Oh, not at all," replied the newcomer.  "I do it in a hammock.
Standing up."