"Yes, I'll have another martini," said Tom, Dryly.
_____________________________________________________
"Apparently, it's your father" said Tom patronizingly.
_______________________________________________
"You get 25 years in the slammer for that!" said Tom with 
conviction.
_________________________________________________
"What math exam?" said Tom, nonplussed.
________________________________________________
"It's 9:59" said Tom pretentiously
_________________________________________________
   MADONNA SHOCK HORROR SCANDAL!!

   Today news reports were flooding that Madonna had been seen in New
   York walking from her limo to the entrance a well known hotel FULLY
   CLOTHED! 
_____________________________________________-


  A man with no arms was sitting in the New York subway, looking
through the Classifieds in the NY Times, turning the pages with
his nose.  He was wearing a pair of very old, worn sneakers.  A drunkend
bum came over and asked for some money.

"Get out of my face! I am trying to find a job!" snarled the armless
 man.  So the bum tottered away.

  After some hours of intensive searching, the armless man saw
an ad for a job he thought he could do well. The
position was for a bell ringer on top of a tower for some
church upstate.  

So the armless man traveled north, seeking the church that was
to be his new home.  He came upon the cathedral and kicked at
the door.  A pastor answered,  " May I help you?"

"Yes, I am applying for the bell ringing job"  he said
excitedly.

The pastor said skeptically, "I am sorry, sir, but I don't see
how a man in your condition could fill this position."

"Why don't you give me a chance and let me show you. Is that the
bell up there?"  he looked at the brass bell on top of a tall tower.

The pastor agreed and watched as the armless man climbed three
hundred steps to the top of the tower. At the top, the armless
man stood before the huge bell.  He took several steps back 
and then with full speed, he ran his head right into the bell!
"Goooonnnnnggggggg!"  was the sound the bell made as the armless
man's head hit it.  

The pastor was quite impressed.  "Well, since you could ring
this bell so well, you are hired!".  The armless man was very
pleased.

So everyday on the hour the armless man climbed the 3 hundred
steps to the top of the tower and rang the bell. The pastor was
very pleased with the armless man and paid him a very small sum
for his work.

One rainy day the armless man climbed the tower to ring the
bell.  But because his sneakers were so worn he had essentially
no traction on the wet floor, and while he took his running start
he slipped, missing the bell completely.  The armless man shot
off the tower and plunged 150 feet to his death.

A crowd of people gathered around to look at
the body, whose brain had scattered all over the
concrete. 

"Oh, my God! how terrible!" an old lady exclaimed.

"What a poor fellow.  Do you know who he is?" said another.

"I am not sure....  But his face RINGS A BELL!" 

It seems that his brother, overtaken by his loss, decided to carry on the
tradition and to take the job that the dearly departed had.  All was well
for several days, but again, after a wicked rainstorm, the traction was poor,
and his brother slipped, falling 150 feet to his death.

The local police came by, and were investigating.  One officer asked a nearby
witness, "Do you know this man?"

To which the response was, "No, but he's a dead ringer for that other guy.."
Jokes