From 1001 Logical Laws, Accurate Axioms, Profound
Principles, Trusty Truisms, Homey Homilies, Colorful Corollaries, Quotable
Quotes, and Rambunctious Ruminations For All Walks of Life by John Peers.

The Gordian Maxim:  If a string has one end, it has another.

Kramer's Law:  You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.

Brewer's Observation:  No good deed goes unpunished.

Jacquin's Postulate:  No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while
the legislature is in session.

Hoare's Law:  Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get
out.

Ralph's Observation:  It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize
that you are in a hurry.

Meade's Maxim:  Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
everyone else.

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An English baker opened a bakery in a resort area in Northwest Africa.  He
featured his two specialties, traditional scones and fresh brown rolls.

For his grand opening, he offered a sample of both of his specialties free
with any purchase.  Despite this appealing promotion, his grand opening was
a failure.  For while he attracted some of the tourists in the area, none
of the local people patronized his bakery, with the exception of the reporter
for the local newspaper, who filed the following headline:

"A Roll and Scone Gathers no Moors."

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The following items supposedly appeared in newspapers.  

True Facts #53
        Would-be burglar Steven Little, thirty-two, had drunk thirty-five 
dollars' worth of beer before his attempt to break into a boot store in 
Longmont, Colorado, so it wasn't until he began trying to pry open the front 
door with a crowbar that he realized the shop was still open and people were 
staring at him from inside.  Little made off empty-handed, but was later found

by police asleep in his van.
        Rocky Mountain News

True Facts #57
        A Jamaican living in Philadelphia, twenty-eight-year-old Isaac Reid, 
claimed that he shot and killed his wife because she was practicing witchcraft

on him.  He became convinced of her spell, he told a Common Pleas Court, when 
he was suddenly inspired to watch "boring" television shows like "Nova" and 
"Masterpiece Theater".
        Philadelphia Inquirer

True Facts #59
        Police bomb experts cordoned off a two-block area around the Kenmore, 
Ohio, home of John Call, fifty-four, while they dismantled what turned out to 
be a package containing paper, candle wax, wires, a battery, and a badly 
battered clock.  Call had found what appeared to be a bomb ticking on his 
front porch.  A police spokesman said that Call was particularly lucky that 
the device was not a bomb, because before calling police he had taken the 
package into his backyard and beat it with a bumper jack until it stopped 
ticking.
        Akron Beacon Journal

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COME AND EAT
>From Harpers New Monthly Magazine, September 1855:

There was a dry old fellow out in Jefferson County, in the state of Virginia
who called one day on the member of Congress-elect.  The family were at
breakfast, and the old man was not in a decent trim to be invited to set by;
but he was hungry, and determined to get an invitation.

"What's the news?" inquired the congressman.

"Nothing much, but one of my neighbors gave his child such a queer name."

"Ah!  And what was that?"

"Why, Come and Eat."

The name was so peculiar that it was repeated.  "Come and Eat?"

"Yes, thank you," said the old man, "I don't care if I do," and drew up to the
table.

                     
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     Why do seagulls live near the sea?
     Because if they lived near the bay, they'd be called bagels.
Jokes