People recently gave officers these reasons for speeding...........

1) An elderly lady told the officer "I am in a hurry to get back to the
restaurant where I left my dentures!!!"

2) A truck driver told this cop: "The onions I'm carrying made my eyes water
so badly, I couldn't see the speedometer...."

3) This young lady explained: "I just switched from regular-unleaded to that
new premium-unleaded gasoline, and it made my car go faster......"

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      Two girls were walking along the road when a toad croaked, "Kiss me and
I'll turn into a handsome Texas oilman."  One of the girls stooped over,
picked the toad up and stuffed it into her purse.
      "Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other asked in amazement.
      "Texas oilmen ain't worth a hoot these days,' she explained, "but a
talkin' toad's worth a fortune!"

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      There was this girl who was such an airhead that she thought 'nirvana' w
as where Wheel of Fortune contestants stand.... 
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A visitor to one of the Aleutian Islands, off Alaska, broke his glasses.
 He was told by his guide that he couldn't get the glasses repaired until
he returned to a city in Alaska.

"You mean there aren't any optometrists on the island?" said the man.

"If you see one," replied the guide, "it will just be an optical Aleutian.

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Only those who attempt the absurd   ...   will achieve the impossible

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Subject: It's how you say it.
"The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.  They were just the first not to
crash."

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Transitional Logic
1) Marriage is an institution
2) Marriage is Love
3) Love is Blind

Therefore, Marriage is an institution for the Blind.

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There was this doctor that always went to the country club and ordered an
almond daiquiri.  It was his standard.  Anyway, one day the bartender was
out of almonds so he substituted something else.  The doctor came in and
ordered the usual.  When he got it, he tasted it and said to the bartender
" Hey, is this my usual almond daiquiri?"   The bartender replied, " No, that
is a hickory daiquiri, doc."